London beggar clampdown sees Red Ken in slammer

Ken Livingstone's controversial aim to expel beggars from the London tube network and put their offspring into care, has backfired on the Mayor who now himself faces a six-month jail term.

Livingstone expressed his trenchant opinions on the subject as part of a hilarious after-dinner speech given at Esher Golf Club. But in an effort to target the worst of London's beggars, investigators have fingered the very man who introduced the new system.

Metropolitan Police records show that over the past few years, no one has tried to extort more money from London Underground than Ken Livingstone himself. With the cost of pointless legal challenges included, Ken is calculated to have cost hard-working citizens £750 million. "People resent having to give out this kind of sum to someone who is effectively obtaining money with menaces," said one officer, "but they feel intimidated and pressurised into paying it."

One male couple, who regularly travel around the centre of London, told of their numerous encounters with the Marxist vagrant. "Yeah, he approached us repeatedly and demanded money," said a visibly-shaken Tony. "On several occasions we told him that that we had no more to give and that if he really wanted a better life he should try the PPP treatment. He just wasn't interested." Partner Gordon interrupted: "That's right. And the very next week he was back again alternately cajoling and threatening us."

Commander Paddick of Scotland Yard's Not Serious Drugs Squad told The Rockall Times: "Most tube beggars are trying to get money to feed a habit. In the case of this individual it's a particularly nasty addiction involving a massive craving for publicity. We believe it started years ago, quite mildly, when he was a GLC Councillor. If it had been treated properly then he may have been able to rejoin society as a productive member. Sadly, nothing was done at the time and I suspect it's too late to do anything now. Even if we put him away he'll only re-offend."

In a shocking new development, it has been revealed that Livingstone has not limited his strong-armed fund-raising activities to the tube: motorists have been targeted as well. From next year the crafty cockney intends to threaten every driver coming into central London with a large fine unless they give him five quid to "look after your car mister".

Although public prosecutors have already been advised about the planned extortion with menaces, they say that they are unable to get involved as Livingstone has been officially designated a "character" by English Heritage and therefore cannot be demolished without an Act of Parliament.