Those TV eviction poll results in full

Well the results are in and it's top gay comic Graham Norton who has been given the push in our TV eviction poll.

Goodness only knows what the cheeky Irish chappy may have done to offend readers although plumbing the depths of the shallow celebrity gene-pool and encouraging members of the public to share their repulsive sexual habits may have something to do with it.

Plus of course there is only so much celebration of homosexuality that the viewing public can take before they start yelling "Get that irritating little poof off my screen".

We suspect that Mr Norton is not altogether surprised by the result either, with his once gay laughter slowly transforming into embarassed horror as he realised moving his show from a weekly to a nightly slot was as wise as turning up at Michael Barrymore's villa in nothing but a pair of swimming trunks.

Perhaps unsurprisingly Popstars and Big Brother came next, proving that what was once just a really bad idea has now gone beyond a joke. We fear we may have split the vote as well with Anne Diamond notching up a very respectable 7th. Little thanks perhaps for a woman that has showed the world that the human body has an almost infinite number of possible shapes. Expect rectangular women on your high-street any day soon.

Bono bravely came in 4th. Incredibly he was not available for comment busy as he was informing starving Ethopians why life on the road is no picnic. Joyously, the five and six spots were taken up by people who wanted us to leave them alone or who didn't watch TV. God bless you good brothers.

Trevor MacDonald, the only great investigative reporter left alive did well to come in ninth. We understand his hard-hitting show will demonstrate that this poll was rigged in a special three-hour exposé next week.

We were especially relieved to see Parky come last with just three votes. Possibly something to do with the fact that although he's hopelessly senile and has to be carried onto the stage already in his chair, he does actually ask his guests some questions instead of making pathetically glib remarks and attempt a satirical stand-up routine at the start of every show.

Tellingly, everyone's favourite sexual predator John Leslie only got eight votes. Which perhaps is just as well since the police has already taken the decision to evict him from TV by arresting him. We suspect the only time we'll see the lovely Mr Leslie from now on will be in a video diary.

Richard and Judy are likewise already moribund. Donal MacIntyre's undercover work looks limited now everyone knows what he looks like and there's only so many times you can see how long you can stand up for in bad weather.

That leaves just a handful of shows so utterly banal or unpleasant that we can only be bothered to write them down in a final listing of votes. Here they be:

1. Graham Norton — 455
2. Popstars — 135
3. Big Brother — 122
4. Bono — 98
5. Leave me alone — 96
6. Don't watch TV — 86
7. Anne Diamond — 82
8. Anthea Turner — 76
9. Trevor MacDonald — 63
10. Fame Academy — 58
11. Don't care — 28
12. Ulrika Jonsson — 19
13. What Not To Wear — 17
14. Changing Rooms — 15
15. Donal MacIntyre — 10
16. John Leslie — 8
17. Richard and Judy — 5
18. Don't know — 4
19. Parkie — 3