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Nigerian philanthropist abandons plans for cash bonzana

Nigerian moneyman Dr Emoa Entucka has given up on his plans to distribute millions of pounds over the Internet. Dr Entucka was a prominent politician in Nigeria before the recent coup and, in his capacity as treasury minister, was able to conceal vast amounts of money in Swiss bank accounts before the military Junta could seize it.

Now living in Romford, Dr Entucka hatched a generous plan to give away the vast fortune in a random email campaign. Says Mr Entucka: "I couldn't in all conscience keep the money for myself and, since the Junta in Nigeria has prevented me from giving it back to my own people, I thought the next best thing was to give it freely to the people of the world."

Dr Entucka recognised email as the idea way to spread word of his magnanimous offer and, selecting addresses at random from various sources, he proceeded to send people messages informing them of the their good fortune. He was in no way prepared for what came next.

"It was unbelievable," he told us. "Most people just ignored my letters completely. Others sent me abusive replies informing me where I could place my money — and I am not talking about investment advice. Some even reported to me to my ISP. I've had to change service providers five times."

After more than a year's work and not a penny given away, Dr Entucka has adopted a new philosophy. "I basically thought 'sod it I'll piss it up the wall instead' " sighed Dr Entucka, speaking from his private island in the Seychelles where he is striving to adapt to a new hedonistic life style in order to forget his past disappointments.

Remarkable as it may seem, Dr Entuka's story of ignored generosity is not an isolated case. Bored Essex housewife Caroline Jones has recently installed a web cam in her bedroom to allow voyeurs to view the bedroom antics of her and her husband.

"I sent people emails telling them how they could 'Log on for free' and 'Gasp at our sordid bedroom secrets'," said an irate Mrs Jones, shaking her nipple clamps in anger. "I even threw in some other details offering people free penis enlargement and there was, quite literally, not a sausage in reply."

We asked renowned social commentator, Gregory Fripps, for an insight into people's apparent reluctance to take up such generous offers. Unfortunately Mr Fripps pointed out that, as a person who has been made up for the purpose of a satirical article, he didn't feel able to comment.

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