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Africa welcomes Cheney-led drugs deal

African leaders spoke with barely hushed tones of exuberance today as it became clear the US vice-president Dick Cheney had been behind a decision to allow poor countries across the world to pay full price for life-saving drugs.

Despite the US administration stated policy of protecting the world against all the bad people in it, Mr Cheney personally intervened when he realised that under WTO plans, poorer countries would be forced to pay low prices for drugs that would save millions of people.

"We don't want to risk upsetting these countries," Cheney said. "Which is exactly what will happen if we embarass them but not asking for the same price that we pay here in the US."

Pharmaceutical companies are also known to be distraught that they can't get the drugs to Africa, Asia and Latin America cheaper. "My whole life I have been trying to make drugs that enable people to live better and for longer," explained the CEO of Pfizer. "My dream is that the work we do can benefit the whole of mankind but now I hear that because Africa has insisted on paying the same price as everyone else, they won't be able to afford many of our drugs and so millions will needlessly die. It's terrible, I only wish I could do more."

It is little comfort to the big drug companies that they will see their profits rise thanks to enforced patent laws across the world, but they are not downhearted. "Okay, so we lost this one," the CEO of Merck told us. "But we're not beaten. We're gonna go back to the labs and try to create a whole new set of drugs before the patents run out. God willing, we shall overcome these obstacles."

Ironically, it costs the drug companies barely anything to produce the drugs and they could almost hand them out free without it significantly impacting their financial situation, but under the law they are forced to charge dozens of times the drugs' value.

Dick Cheney explained why the deal was so personally significant to him: "It is very important post Nine Eleven™ that the world sees that we are not a bullying nation, we are not a destructive nation, we have the whole world's concerns on our shoulders and we shall not falter in making this planet a better place for all."

Since many countries will be only be able to afford an eigth of the drugs they need, health experts say that Africa could become the most efficient health system in the world. "Africa is set to take the lead in world health," one told us. "Over-prescription is a massive problem in the West, with billions of drugs being needlessly purchased and consumed every year. With such a huge shortfall in supply, the Africans will have to come up with innovative and radical methods to keep patients alive. This is a very exciting time."

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