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A very merry Xmas to all our readers

The season of sleigh bells ringing in the snow and Yule logs crackling on an open fire is, we must confess, somewhat at odds with the Gothic realm of world-weary cynicism occupied by most satirists.

Nevertheless, even the most hard-hearted members of The Rockall Times staff were last night moved to tears by the sight of a small group of angel-faced infants outside our offices cheerfully singing their little hearts out with an emotive rendition of Away in a manger.

Ah, how times have changed, for this heavenly choir of infants was accompanied not by The Salvation Army band, but rather three vans full of armed guards — insurance against their abduction and murder by internet paedophile rings.

It's a damning indictment on society that we have come so far from an age of innocence — an age when parents could gather round the tree with their wide-eyed offspring and celebrate the magical birth of global capitalism — to a time of fear, not merely that one's children might at any moment be whisked from the street to a terrible death, but also that the presents you worked the credit card so hard to buy might not pass muster with today's Nike generation.

However, all such black thoughts were banished as the euphonious melody from the street below wafted through our modest premises. Indeed, so moved were we, the management of The Rockall Times, that we resolved there and then to allow our Godless hacks 10 minutes' lunch break on Xmas day in celebration of all that is good in the world.

And so, as you tuck into your mince pies and sherry this Wednesday, spare a thought for those tireless scribes who — without thought of personal or financial reward — will lay down their quill pens and velum and gather around a small plum pudding, briefly enjoying its Yule aroma before it returns to the safe for another year.

Yes, even satirists must occasionally step back from gorging their appetites on the carcasses of bent politicians, b-list celebrities and the pathologically stupid to satisfy another — perhaps greater — hunger; that of the human soul for a sense of community and belonging.

With that in mind, we wish all of our readers everything we wish ourselves — a very merry Xmas and a prosperous 2003. Actually, fuc*k the Xmas bit, well just take the prosperous. Enjoy.

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