Police chief savages UK street gangs

The Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir John Stevens, has launched a scathing attack on the UK's street gangs. Speaking from the Masons' London HQ, Sir John insisted that the time had come for the gangs "to put up or shut up".

"For far too long, the UK has suffered from a second-rate gang problem," he lamented. "Whilst my counterparts in Russia and America have tales of horrific shoot-outs in crack houses or pitched gun battles in crowded shopping centres, we have to regale them with stories of slapping people about a bit for making too much noise outside the off-licence.

"We need tougher, better-armed gangs to provide a more robust challenge for our men. On the rare occasions we get a call to deal with an armed gang member, they nearly always turn out to be equipped with a replica firearm or, even worse, a starting pistol. One well-placed headshot and they're down. Where's the challenge in that, eh?" asked Sir John, shaking his head sadly.

Another area of concern for Sir John is car chases. He fondly described one such incident in which he had been involved while on a fact-finding tour of Los Angeles. "We were chasing a pink V8 Chevy through litter-strewn back alleys whilst being sprayed with Uzi fire from crack-fuelled Latino gang members. One of the officers with me had a metal plate in his head from a previous shooting incident. Another had a plastic stomach as a result of falling on a grenade to protect colleagues during a bust on a heavily armed smack-dealing black pimp. How cool is that?"

Warming to his theme, Sir John went on to describe some of the initiatives his force would be implementing in the new year. These include a starting pistol amnesty where wannabe gangsters could exchange toy guns for some proper semi-automatic weaponry, and a series of drug-running seminars in secondary schools.

In order to kick-start his campaign, Sir John announced a joint competition with The Rockall Times to find the UK's Top Street Gang, where rival crews can compete for a chance to mow their own patch of turf in the notorious South Central district of Los Angeles. Interested ne'er-do-wells are requested to first establish their credentials with our Posse Rispek Checker™. Any posse scoring the requisite numbers of points should then send their CVs to the Metropolitan Police headquarters, including the following details and a SAE:

• Gang name
• Current arsenal
• Number of rival posse members "taken out" in past year
• Gross street value of narcotics dealt in previous six months

Good luck!