The Rockall Times 2002 in focus

Welcome indeed to The Rockall Times 2002 in focus. It seems like only 12 short months ago that the world sat trembling on the brink of apocalypse as India and Pakistan, and Israel and Palestine squared up, fingers hovering nervously over the red button.

Mercifully, the crisis passed, and now we can all sleep sound in our beds safe in the knowledge that the worst that can possibly befall us is all-out war in the Middle East.

Indeed, our darkest fear here at The Rockall Times is that the UK and US do not press on with their holy war against Iraq. Nothing is guaranteed to set the satire buds salivating than the delicious prospect of sand-clogged tanks, jammed rifles, smart weapons hitting civilian bunkers and the usual hilarious round of friendly-fire incidents. Bring it on, we say, bring it on.

But we are jumping the gun somewhat. Let's take a moment to reflect on the events of 2002, events so improbable that were a million monkeys to hammer at a million typewriters until the last syllable of recorded time, they could not possibly script such a litany of human folly. Enjoy.

January

The year began with the earth-shattering revelation by shoe bomb nut Richard Reid's dad that his son was completely bonkers. Of course, you didn't need a degree in psychiatry to come to that conclusion — just a big cheque from the tabloids. A terrifying insight into the mind of a maniac.

Speaking of terrifying, the Irish peace process ground to a resounding halt as the various factions failed to agree on the length of a piece of string. This one will run and run. Not to be outdone in the arena of international political shenanigans, Israel launched a highly successful hearts and minds campaign which was warmly embraced by the Palestinians.

Back in Blighty, the British public responded with indifference to the apathy surrounding the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations. Gawd bless yer Ma'am. Rather more exciting were the slap-happy pugilists Tyson and Lewis who disgraced boxing by fighting in public. For shame. Perhaps they should have expressed their feelings of inadequacy in the traditional manner: by buying an expensive car. Sadly, this was not an option for cash-strapped Lada owner Bob Matthews, who was reduced to boasting of his 11-inch penis for want of a Ferrari.

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February

Hats were solemnly doffed here at The Rockall Times with the news that fellow shipping forecast area Finisterre had been brutally wiped from the map by EU bureaucrats. Apparently, the area formerly known as Finisterre will forthwith be known as Fitzroy. RIP.

Largely oblivious to this outrage, most Brits launched into spontaneous and joyous celebration upon the imprisonment of perjuring peer Jeffrey Archer. However, the hard man of letters quickly adapted to his new environment by subjecting his fellow inmates to a brutal reign of terror.

Other members of the great and the good to hit the headlines included the barrister who strongly refuted claims that he had treated a black member of staff like a doormat, and the high-flying businesswoman who ill-advisedly wore a catwalk outfit to the office. It's not for the faint-hearted.

In other parts of the world, Madagascar hit bottom of world maths league table after some creative accountancy by new boss President Ratsiraka. The Burmese authorities apologised for the late running of democracy, which was very thoughtful of them, and American prez Dubya unveiled a new world freedom index, linked directly to the US economy.

There was some shocking news from the war crimes trial of Slobodan Milosevic when the highly-talented Ger*i Halli*well announced her intention to duet with the Balkan rap artist. Marvellous.

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March

Events at Camp X-Ray dominated the news in March. Many of those concerned with conditions there for al-Qaeda suspects were delighted when the UK promised its imprisoned nationals a minimum income guarantee, thereby underlining our continued commitment to dispense the fruits of democracy to the most needy.

Meanwhile, Bush upped the pace in his War on Terror— with a lightning tour of South and Central America. Not to be left out of the 9/11 party, the UK government ordered the British public to stop and search each other. We at The Rockall Times made our own small contribution to world freedom in the form of a Spot the Black Propaganda challenge — guaranteed fun for all the family.

And, in a highly-flattering development, we also became CNN's principal European news source. A nice touch.

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April

They say that April is the cruellest month, and the Queen Mother would probably agree, were she alive to express such a sentiment. Yes, April 2002 deprived the nation of its best-loved grandmother. All other world events were temporarily cancelled as 94 per cent of Brits queued for up to 11 months just for the chance to see her funeral cortege pass through the silent streets of London. A tearful gawd bless yer to yer ma'am.

It may have outlived the good old Queen Mum, but terminally ill TV monkey ITV Digital was soon pleading for the right to die, a wish granted shortly after. Perhaps it should have taken a leaf from the book of Damilola Taylor, who apparently stabbed himself to escape of life of misery on the streets of South London.

There was till time as the month staggered to a close to squeeze in a bit of international action. The county of Essex honoured the Middle East men of peace for their contribution world harmony and understanding. Shocked US congressmen heard that the IRA were responsible for some deaths, contrary to the fervently-held American belief that they were all impoverished potato-eating peasants living in mud huts with only true patriot Mel Gibson to protect them from sneering English cad Alan Rickman.

Nevertheless, NASA showed a bit more enlightenment by announcing that it was to send a retard into space, a story which warmed many hearts world-wide.

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May

Spring sprang joyfully from the fertile soil of satire with the launch of our new columnist Mimi O'Sullivan. Thought-provoking stuff. Likewise, Sir Cyril Radcliffe offered his own personal vision of how England might win the forthcoming World Cup, although the sense of national euphoria at that prospect was dampened somewhat by the revelation that the Queen's Golden Jubilee UK tour was threatened by drunken backstage brawls. In the end, Liz and Phil resolved their musical differences and the show went on.

There was much excitement among the cybercommunity with the release of MS Linux™, Microsoft's exciting new OS, and equal anticipation with the news that the Internet will solve world hunger. Fingers crossed.

Back in the real world, the rescue of a dog from a stricken tanker off Korea provoked a flurry of oriental cuisine quips, while the Middle East crisis looked somewhat less threatening with voices of moderation making bold strides towards peace.

In America, accusations surrounding events of 9/11 continued as critics of President Bush located a 1654 report which clearly warned of the attacks, but which Dubya had apparently ignored. Serious stuff.

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June

All right, it took us 'til June, but we finally got around to knocking up a photographic tribute to 50 Years of her imperial majestyness Queen Liz II of all the Brits.

Dubya proved himself a master statesman with the declaration that nuclear war between India and Pakistan was "not in anyone's interests". He needn't have worried, since a coconut later pulled the two countries back from brink.

Britain demonstrated its political independence from the US and formulated a masterplan to bomb America in the next phase of the War on Terror™. The unsuspecting US authorities continued their pursuit of terror suspects, with the CIA uncovering a massive US paramilitary group.

The England football team's frankly amazing progress in the football World Cup was nicely illustrated as the English expressed disappointment at lack of World Cup disappointment. Their disappointment didn't last long, however, and we were soon reduced to the traditional recriminations as to exactly where it all went wrong for England.

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July

Increasing tension surrounding civil unrest by the forces of anti-globalisation was alleviated slightly as the anti-globalisation forces slammed increasing globalisation of anti-globalisation movement.

Despite hopes that some accord might be reached between Palestine and Israel, the civilised world was shocked by a Palestinian cat bomb picture, proof that the Arabs would stop at nothing to achieve their aim.

Tony Blair found himself in the firing line with accusations that he was Dubya's bitch, and that UK crime was up 1,000,000 per cent. There was no suggestion that the Pope was Dubya's bitch, although he himself admitted to a shocked world that he had never been a Catholic either.

Democracy continued to plough its furrow of improbability in the US, where the US Court of Appeals declared swearing unconstitutional.

There was much kerfuffle surrounding the possibility that all life on Earth might be wiped out by a killer asteroid. Thank God, then, for the Backstreet Boys and their daring plan to save humanity.

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August

Bad news indeed for el presidente Bush when Saddam Hussein won the UN's Most Helpful Dictator award. Better news for the US came with confirmation that its legal system was a vital a potent force for justice when it was announced that WTC relatives would sue the Wright Brothers for inventing the aircraft.

Amazingly, events continued to happen even where the US had no direct interest. South Korea pulled off a blinder by telling female politician Chang Sang exactly where a woman's place is, and Zimbabwe's "Laughing" Bob Mugabe and the white farmers slugged it out in their own particular War on Reason™.

By international consent, the latest Radiohead album was confirmed as completely unlistenable, a major triumph for British music.

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September

For some reason which has not been adequately explained, September 2002 proved a particularly fertile month for sexual revelations and scandal. Edwina Currie got the balls rolling with the sensational confession that she had indulged in a four-year sex bender with muff maestro John Major. The nation had hardly recovered from its incredulity when we learned that a Satan-worshipping vicar had deflowered 200 virgins, that Michael Barrymore's Essex home contained no ashtrays (i.e. throw your fags in the pool — Boom Boom!), and that Swedish Lothario Sven Goran Eriksson had always been a crap football manager. Phew.

Naturally, the British unions took this opportunity attempt to scupper Bush's war plans. Would we now get the war with Iraq we all so fervently prayed for?

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October

Master of self-publicity Jeffrey Archer managed to get himself back on the front pages with his prison hellhole diaries, a shocking account of life at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Not that we had time to ponder prison reform, what with temporarily disappearing from your screens due to a monstrous domain transfer cock-up.

Events elsewhere were dominated by the Washington sniper saga, an orgy of violence which eventually resulted in the NRA accepting need for change in gun control laws.

In fact, it seemed that the whole world had degenerated into anarchy. An oil tanker in Yemen was attacked, possibly by terrorists, Dubya swore vengeance on those responsible for manufacturing the Bali bomb, and a shocked planet demanded an enquiry into the Moscow siege death toll.

Most chilling, however, was the announcement that deputy prime minister John Prescott would intervene personally to resolve UK firemen's dispute. Thousands of NHS beds were freed up in anticipation of the carnage.

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November

A grim silence descended over the entire globe on the anniversary of 9/11™ — The day that changed the universe forever.

And, despite the very real threat of terrorist atrocities to mark the occasion, we at The Rockall Times bravely defied the dark forces of Osama bin Laden and his Devil's disciples.

Indeed, we went further with the release of "Virtual 911" for the X-Box — a fantastic interactive way for the whole family to fight for democracy. Come on guys, let's roll!

Sadly, as is so often the case, the planet failed to completely stop rotating on its axis in sympathy with the American people. In the UK, asylum seekers entered the country in a wooden horse, an incident which showed how inadequate our measures to ensure Britain's racial purity truly were. And it wasn't just our racial purity which was threatened. A shock report demonstrated that most of Britain was HIV-positive, a claim as improbable as our probe into the unthinkable possibility that Hitler may have been straight...

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December

News to take the edge off the Winter chill came in the form of Louise Saunders, the hapless beautician who made a miraculous escape from an Australian mountain.

That, sadly, was the end of the Yuletide laughter, as it was revealed that UK firemen sent their own children up chimneys to make ends meet, and that Cherie Blair had enjoyed naked pagan shower sex romps with a topless model.

There was more bad news when the government confirmed that hunting will be banned except where completely necessary, or fun.

Furious parents expressed outrage when toy shops adequately judged level of demand for must-have products.

And, finally, those anticipating an Xmas dinner of shredded cardboard and Meths must have been kicking themselves for having missed out on a Nigerian philanthropist's plans for a cash bonzana. Indeed, it is damning indictment on society when the well-meaning wives of former African dictators cannot even give away millions of dollars to the poor at their time of greatest need.

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Food for thought, then, as we move inexorably into 2003. We at The Rockall Times wish you everything you wish yourself for the new year. But we especially wish ourselves everything for 2003 — and then some.