Osama bin Laden issues new year threat

Sheik Osama bin Laden has issued a new threat to the US — he intends to give himself up for a fair trial at the expense of the American government.

The man widely blamed for the 9 November atrocities has however insisted that he be represented by the OJ Simpson defence team. "I read that the OJ Simpson trial had a significant impact on the whole US economy," mused Bin Laden on a tape aired by Al-Jazz-era. "And he got off, despite forensic evidence. There is no forensic evidence against me so what do I have to fear? Perhaps then they will stop trying to kill me all the time. It's murder on my kidneys all this running."

However, in a previously unrecorded section of tape released by CIA translators, bin Laden was also heard to say: "I will kill all the infidels, I was responsible for all bad things to happen to America and I am really bad, yesiree. They should lock me up good and proper as then the American way shall prevail for the good of all nations."

There is a darker side to Osama's apparent willingness to be tried however — the costs of any such case are thought to amount to five per cent of US GDP, well over $38 billion, especially since his main demand is that the US pay all his defence costs.

Court costs, including several empanelled juries, legal costs, lost police time safeguarding the court and the cost of the investigation itself. Then the billions expected to watch live daytime coverage, including endless repeats on the evening news programmes, and it seems unlikely the US economy could survive such a hit.

If bin Laden were to win, the credibility of the American courts would finally be wiped out, forcing the US legal system into bankruptcy and reducing at a stroke 60 per cent of the laughs the rest of the world has at Americans' expense.

Johnnie Cochran, who memorably wrecked the career of racist "5th amendment" Detective Fuhrman during the OJ Simpson case, also speculated that bin Laden had a fair chance of winning.

Talking about tackling main prosecution witness, George Dubya, he said: "It will be a bit like kicking a blind kitten to death. Bush cannot read at an adult level and his aides shelter him from all confrontational conversations as he's so prone to talk himself into a corner when ordering a pizza."

He continued: "This man literally knocked himself out eating a pretzel. What the heck, the government is picking up the tab and Osama has promised me a million a day. That's good green."