Government to introduce total child photo ban

The government today outlined its plan to introduce a ban against all photography of children in a bid to reduce this terrible evil of paedophilia.

The decision by the Home Office follows the success of the recent ban on nativity play photographs. From next March, the government proposes that photographing anyone under the age of 20 be met with a fast-track trial by media, five years in jail and a lifelong ban on touching cameras.

Home secretary David Blunkett pointed to the lack of brutal child murders during the run up to Christmas as clear evidence that the photo ban was working and justified the £12.5 million spent on the campaign so far.

"While there have been 13 children killed on the roads this month and several severely ill children have died whilst awaiting transplants, not one child has been killed by sickening perverts driven to a bloodlust by viewing images of children in nativity scenes," said a emotionally charged Mr Blunket. "This is clear proof that the photography ban is working, and anyone who disagrees might as well just put a meat cleaver into the hands of these sick evil menaces."

Wiping the spittle from his beard, Mr Blindgit outlined the measures: a total ban on both child photography and realistic paintings of children. Under the new legislation, the traditional "stick figures" drawings done by children of themselves and their families will still be allowed under controlled classroom conditions but all images must be vetted by a teacher trained in monster evasion before being taken home.

School-plays and other theatre involving children will still take place but adult actors will depict the children — a move welcomed by legendary screen persona Jimmy Krankie.

One of the more controversial proposals in the report is the adoption of "parent blinkers". These specially crafted eye shields will enable parents to perform tasks such as washing and dressing their children without the risk of viewing the child's nudity. This is hoped to reduce the number of satanic ritual murders occurring within the home environment.

Other ideas being considered are some form of child veil, recently demonstrated by caring, sensible parent Michael Jackson. The report also points to advances in technology in the hope that soon the whole child stage of evolution may be safely bypassed by growing fully developed adults in large vats.

The proposals have been welcomed across the country. There was, however, a token protest from the British Tea Towel Industry who feared that lack of children playing shepherds would affect their sales. A spokesman, who made an impassioned plea for forgiveness, in front of the smouldering ruins of his tea towel factory, later withdrew this protest.