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Contenders prepare to grasp Tory chalice

Conservative party leader Iain Duncan Smith is unlikely to survive much past the Spring, leading to frenzied smarming among possible contenders to the Tory chalice.

In a recent survey commissioned by The Rockall Times, IDS achieved a devastating 0 per cent of votes after 1,000 women were asked if they'd like to have his babies and 1,000 men were asked to choose between an evening watching Sky Sports with a barrel of lager and meeting the alluring baldy beast.

Political analysts expect any leadership contest to happen soon after the local council elections in April of next year. On current computer forecasts the Tories only have an outside chance of winning just one seat: Moneybags West.

So who are the possible future leaders of this once great party? Here we present our quick guide to the policies and personalities of the heavyweight contenders.

Fat Sweaty Bloke. The media choice: Bloke's opinions on absolutely everything, but especially Europe, are loathed by everyone else in the Conservative Party. Now devotes most of his time to helping the developing world embrace lung cancer. May be unstoppable now as the only Conservative politician left the public have heard of who hasn't been to jail. Strong views on drinking, smoking and jazz.

Dickie Davis. Reinvented himself since the sex and drugs shame that followed from his exit from "World of Sport". Now nothing but a good constituency MP. Famously fired by IDS from his position as party chairman while boarding Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland in Florida.

Miguel Xavier. Once the darling of the right, then the darling of the left, then just the darling, Xavier's recent political course has been tortuous in the extreme. Still believed to be charismatic by those who have never met him, he has confessed to homosexual affairs but that's all the past of course. Big lips, thick skin.

Theresa Minging. Since she shocked the party conference by wearing shoes made out of a tiger's penis, Minging has popped up all over the news schedules saying very little but saying it convincingly. Blonde and female, she is seen as the modernisers' choice and the Tories best chance to secure the support of such key focus groups as Telford Messily Divorced Woman Under Forty and Harrogate Trendy Man Who Visits B&Q On Alternate Sundays.

Wee Willy Hague. Party members hankering back to the good old days of poll ratings as high as the mid-20s may decide to plump for little Willy. Since standing down after the last crushing election defeat, Hague has formed a close relationship with pots of money. Now living in Cardiff with his lovely wife Effion, Hague has only spoken Welsh for the past three years.

Margaret Thatcher. With the recent announcement of a cloned baby, the Tory faithful is known to be investing in new technologies aimed at recreating the Iron Lady to lead the party to victory in 2032. In the meantime, the dried-up mad old bint they have locked up at Broadmoor may have to do.

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