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'Virgin' Mary not raped, claims relative

Descendants of the Roman soldier who has been sensationally accused of sexually assaulting the mother of Jesus 2,000 years old have vehemently rejected the claims.

An obscure Belgian academic, eager for his two euros worth of fame, has put forward the theory that Mary was not a virgin when she conceived Jesus, but instead had been raped by centurion Luigi Mario from Rome — then serving with the Red Brigades in the Holy Land.

The claims have come to light just days before Jesus' birthday at the start of January — celebrated by millions worldwide during the feast of the Invincible Sun (also the birthdays of pagan god Buddha, Mithras, god of the Persians, Horus, Egyptian god of light, Hercules, Bacchus, Adonis and Freyr, the Scandanvian son of supreme God Odin) on 25 December.

"It's hardly fair to bring this up now, a couple of millennia on is it?" said his great, great, great, great (etc.) grand-daughter from her tiny flat in a fly-blown suburb of the Italian capital. "Whatever happened to the statute of limitations? How can he defend himself? When I was growing up, the memory of my great, great, great, great [quote cut for brevity] great granddad was very precious to me. My family all knew he had a brief — and I might add fully consensual relationship — with that woman. And from what we were told Mary was hardly whiter than white herself."

Ms Mario went on to insist that Mary had "happily gone along with the affair" and only went to the authorities much later when Joseph found out and threatened to leave her. The whole matter was hushed up when Jesus was born and was discovered to be the Son of God. "That screwed things up but in one sense it made life much easier," she concluded.

Police at headquarters in Tel Aviv have declined to say whether or not any prosecution will go ahead but have confirmed visiting the mansion where Luigi's remains are buried to take a sample for DNA testing. However, leaked comments have sought to put the blame squarely on Yasser Arafat. "He could have stopped this if he'd wanted to, but he made no effort whatsoever," said one Shin Bet source.

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