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Radical new Archbishop angrily slams something or other

Bearded weirdo cleric Rowan Atkinson has launched another of his regular unprecedented attacks on the shallowness of life, modern society's infantile obsession with looks and makeovers, the high price of bananas in Britain's supermarkets, or something equally earth-shattering.

Bleating to an enthusiastic congregation of tens in the spacious new Asda Hyperstore Cathedral at the Park West Industrial Estate just off junction 666 of the M25, Atkinson made very clear where he stands. "We must say no to the constant media demands for style over substance," he pronounced, while an aide combed his flowing facial locks and massaged his beauty warts, "and the pressure to conform to a false idea of beauty."

Support for the Archbishop has come from newspapers and television news programmes with not much else to report over Christmas and New Year. "He's a Godsend," said one visibly-relieved reporter from a hard-hitting news entertainment show. "We'd done all the usual stuff about falling Christmas retail sales, the lack of snow, and how Britons celebrated Winterval, so to be able to fill up nearly 60 seconds with his latest witterings is fantastic."

Ordinary passers-by were less enthusiastic about his advice when asked. "He should be kicked out of that place at Finsbury Park," said one woman on the street pushing two toddlers in a tandem buggy, "and sent back to Afghanistan where he comes from."

However, excited trendy vicars across the land were unanimous in their excitement. "It's the moral wave of the future," said Reverend Mel Smith from Glossop, "and I reckon with him in charge of the C of E the future's bright, the future's orange." His counterpart at St Paedophiles in Muckle was just as afire: "Things will never be the same again. He's so passionate that he may even rekindle my belief in God."

Church officials have rejected claims that the Archbishop's messages have been falling on stone-deaf ears due to his just being so incredibly ugly and odd-looking. "He's not incredibly ugly just moderately so. Anyway, he's off to see Trinny and Sussanah next week, so things should get better after that," insisted a priest thumbing a copy of Vogue.

What not to wear when making pompous pronouncements about the state of modern society will be shown on BBC2 at Easter.

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