Dear Dierdre: I'm in love with Donatella Versace!

DEAR DIERDRE: I'm a 16-year-old student and for months I have been obsessed with Donatella Versace. It all began quite innocently when I saw the designer on a documentary about Elton John. For days I couldn't get Donatella out of my mind. I found myself scouring copies of Vogue and Hello! for just a glimpse of that remarkable face. Gradually, as my addiction grew worse, my bedroom became a shrine to Versace — photos, memorabilia. Now I can't sleep due to highly-charged wet dreams, and I pass my days in frenzied masturbational fantasies in which Donatella rubs those incredible lips all over my oiled and steaming body.

The problem is, am I gay? To be honest, I can't tell whether Donatella's a bloke or a bird. I asked my mum but she hasn't got a clue either. Nor have my mates. Not knowing is tearing me apart. Help me, for the love of God, help me... Greg, Wiltshire

DIERDRE SAYS: Occasionally, I have to admit that there are some questions that not even I can answer. What gender exactly fashion ladyboy Donatella Versace might be is one of those questions. I'm put in mind of certain Eastern European female shot-putters who are from time to time obliged to undergo genetic profiling to prove that they are not actually a hairy-arsed pipe-layer from Gdansk.

My gut feeling is this: you're probably bisexual and Versace satisfies both the male and female sides to your character. Either that or you're a perfectly normal hormonally-charged 16-year-old lad with incredibly — and I mean incredibly — poor eyesight. If you can stop jerking off for long enough, get yourself down to the opticians, just to be certain.

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DEAR DIERDRE: My husband and I have not made love in more than a year. For the first six months of our marriage we were at it like jack rabbits — five or six times a day and I must admit that I could get enough of his magnificent nine-inch engorgement pumping me to gut-wrenching climax after gut-wrenching climax.

Now, he just sits on the sofa in front of the TV staring vacantly into space. I've tried everything: maid's outfits, leather, sex toys. I even put on a lesbian sex show with my pretty blonde neighbour, but he just isn't interested. What can I do to rekindle the passion? Eve, Hastings

DIERDRE SAYS: Eve, I have some bad news. According to the local registrar, your husband died 14 months ago. That would more than explain his sexual apathy, although I can quite understand how you failed to spot the difference between rigour mortis and torpid TV-induced coma.

I'm sending you my leaflet Sorry, your partner's dead! Your guide to undertakers and masturbation for the newly widowed. I think it may be of some comfort to you.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest