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Masturbation 'positively benefits eyesight' survey shows

A government-sponsored study carried out by opticians throughout the country has come up with what staff at The Rockall Times have known all along — that masturbation has positive benefits for the eyesight, and that men who refrain from it risk severe and lasting damage to their vision.

The study, which cost only £2.34 per household per week, involved all non-females who had their eyes tested in Britain during 2002 and emerged needing glasses. Before leaving the optician's shop, they were asked to rate their masturbatory frequency on a scale from 0 (never) to 10 (several times daily). To ensure scientific openness and for the avoidance of doubt, the question was shouted to them across the reception desk through a megaphone by a qualified female receptionist and the answer repeated through the megaphone for the client to confirm.

Surprisingly, the study found that not a single person diagnosed as needing glasses ever masturbated.

Since clearly some proportion of the male population must indulge in self-abuse, the study was able to conclude that they must be the ones who either passed the eye test, or did not need it in the first place because their visual acuity had been so well honed by the five-finger shuffle.

Jack Straw, speaking for the government, welcomed the report. "I never doubted the link between that procedure and eyesight," he told us. "Just look at me. I wear glasses, but I'm remarkably fit in every other way. Look at the size of my forearms!"

President Tony "four eyes" Blair admitted that the report came as no surprise to him. "It is a fact," he said, "that Onan who originated the practice had eyes like a hawk. I've asked Blunkett to look into adding it to the National Curriculum. We could issue a step-by-step leaflet with colour illustrations and perhaps the older boys could show the young ones how to do it. I notice Brown doesn't wear glasses!"

A spokesman for the Society of Optometrists recommended caution. "It is a fact," he said, "that what Onan was really indulging in was coitus interruptus, and there's a world of difference between that and full-blown masturbation. My members would hate to see their businesses decimated by everyone starting to abuse their bodies, only to find afterwards that there are unknown side effects. Doesn't it lead to hairy palms or something?"

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