I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

UK banks make profits from customers, shock report concludes

Revelations that Britain's high-street banks impose charges on customers, pay out less interest than they receive and are generally interested in profits strangely appear to have rocked the nation to the very £280billion of consumer credit on which its economy rests.

"Who'd have thought it?" said Gull Ibyl of the Consumer Association, who published the findings in its "Which Blindingly Obvious Thing Are We Going To Tell You About This Month" paper. "I think most people will be very disappointed to find out that the likes of the Barclays and HSBC spend their time worrying about how they can line their pockets instead of acting like the charitable organisations we think they should be."

Following the news, John Prescott announced the establishment of four hundred and seventy three numerical government targets to ensure that the banks do not continue to abuse their sacred position of trust. "If that doesn't work," growled the portly prize-fighter, "then we'll have no option but to demand even greater donations to our electoral funds from these miscreant organisations. That'll learn 'em."

Future amazing eye-opening reports from the Association are entitled: "Clothes Cost Less To Make Than They Are Sold For", "Rich People Have More Money Than Poor Ones", and "Ursine Creatures Excrete In Forested Parts Of The World".

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Society’ index page