Prince Charles tells us of his fears for the future of mankind

New of Prince Charles's ongoing concerns for our planet come as little surprise to those of us who appreciate the sensitive man behind the public facade of a cold and heartless automaton.

As a frequent visitor to Rockall — where he values the human solitude and the chance to commune with the some of the millions of killiwacky birds that flock here to live and breed — The Rockall Times has had a better opportunity than most to get to know this man who carries the burdens of us all on his curiously stooped shoulders.

Over a pint and a pie (killiwacky and parsley) at the Rockall Hilton's "Rocky Outcrop" restaurant and with his hands held awkwardly behind his back, Charles explained the reason for his latest bout of self-indulgent depression. "It's just, what's it all about really," he waffled, "the environment, the war, hunting, shooting, what does it all mean? Everything's going wrong isn't it? Isn't this place marvellous though?"

Unfortunately, the Prince had to break off the interview temporarily as one his beaters had advised him about a particularly large flock of killiwackies that had landed nearby and that could be easily shot and killed.

Pausing only to strip off his Saville Row suit made from the wool of organic virgin sheep — which was then scooped up by some of the ten valets in attendance — and to replace this with combat gear and a large serrated "Ripper" knife, the Bearer Of All Our Hopes exited on foot.

After he returned he just had time to make clear to us how very, very concerned about just about everything. Asked his views on the forthcoming massacre with Iraq he politely pointed out that constitutionally he was prevented from saying anything but that, "it's all because of this fox-hunting ban and I'll bet even Saddam Hussein hasn't stopped that".

Not so. A phone call to the Iraqi Embassy in London revealed that its government does not approve of the barabric practice of hunting foxes with dogs. "All the unnecessary foxes, and come to think of it Kurds, are put down humanely using gas," explained a spokesman.