Government moves to avert horticultural terror apocalypse

The government has released a list of proscribed plants which are to be completely eliminated from Britain in response to the recent ricin poison scare.

The move follows an initiative by Wyevale Garden Centres which has removed Castor Oil plant seeds from sale. The seeds are a valuable source of ricin and, as such, are thought to be at the very top of any al-Qaeda terror shopping list.

"The consequences of terrorists obtaining large numbers of these seeds are too apocalyptic to contemplate," one visibly-shaken landscape gardener told The Rockall Times. "It's certainly possible that, given the right equipment and around 1,000,000 seeds, they could extract sufficient ricin in as little as three years to kill around 40 hamsters or completely raze an area of central London equivalent to 0.137 football pitches."

The government agrees, and has warned gardeners that our green and pleasant land is nothing short of a chemical cornucopia for green-fingered bin Laden followers. Accordingly, from March, it will be illegal to grow any of the following plants in British gardens. This selection is taken from the full list of 11,000 suspect species:

• Buttercup — Ranunculus — Incredibly, the innocent buttercup may yet prove to be al-Qaeda's most potent threat to Western civilisation. So poisonous that ingestion of even a tiny fragment causes the immediate loss of appetite between meals, with catastrophic consequences for the UK snack industry
• Deadly nightshade — Atropa belladonna — This plant's most notable ingredient, atropine, is commonly used in eye surgery, but the nerve endings in involuntary muscles are paralysed by large doses, the paralysis finally affecting the central nervous system, causing excitement and delirium, symptoms similar to those demonstrated by home secretary David Blunkett at the mention of a voluntary ID card scheme
• Foxglove — Digitalis purpurea — Digitalis contains four important glucosides of which three are cardiac stimulants — Digitoxin, Digitalin and Digitalein. Just look at this plant and it's "Goodnight Vienna"
• Hemlock — Conium maculatum — Hemlock leaves contain the alkaloid coniine. A favourite among Roman terrorists who used it to poison each other, to deadly effect
• Lupin — Lupinus polyphyllus — Just one leaf of the much-loved lupin packs enough toxins to incapacitate eighteen double decker buses full of terrified early-morning commuters. Effect of its deployment on the transport system is incalculable
• Opium poppy — Papaver somniferum — Where to begin? This poppy's yield includes heroin, laudaum and morphine. Already fought over by Afghan tribesmen and UK-based gun-toting Yardies, surely irresistible to disciples of bin Laden?
• Purging buckthorn — Rhamnus cathartica — Berries highly toxic, with alarming laxative effect. Chilling prospect of Britain being caught with its trousers down
• Wolfsbane — Aconitum carmichaelii/napellus — Contains aconite, which slows the heart, decreases blood pressure, induces sweating and then kills you stone dead. Also reduces swelling, which is some consolation
• Yew — Taxus baccata — All parts poisonous to man, particularly the hard seed inside the pink fleshy fruit. Commonly seen in churchyards, where it has been waiting to kill the pious for centuries

Gardeners who fail to weed out these culprits face a heavy fine. Their gardens will be concreted over for a period of not less than 10 years and they will be banned from travelling within two miles of any garden centre for up to 15 years.

Meanwhile, the government has outlined plans to deprive al-Qaeda of killer plants in the wild — including the fungi Death Cap (Amanita phalloides) and Fly Agaric (Amanita muscaria) — by building motorways over every piece of greenery between Land's End and John O'Groats by 2020. Experts predict that only then will the horticultural threat to the UK have been completely eliminated.