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Bloated Rooney faces Everton boot

Football fans around the country were last night digesting the news that young Everton star Wayne Rooney, who peaked in September 2002 for two weeks and has been largely forgotten since, is to be booted out of Goodison Park.

Rooney's downfall was swift following Everton's recent ignominious defeat against Third Division strugglers Shrewsbury in the FA Cup. Newspaper headlines such as "No Roon At The Top", "Everton Lose Awayne", and "You're Shi*t You Overrated Gum Chewing Tie Loosened Slob", signalled the beginning of the end for the glittering promise of a shimmering career.

The club has already confiscated his personalised BMX bike (number plate: ROONONE), halted the standing order with a local clothing manufacturer for his size XXXXL shorts, and removed all mention of him from the official EFC "Stanley Knife Park" website.

With Rooney on the way out, and replica shirt sales with his name on slumping, commercial efforts are now being made to repeat the club's success in China thanks to player Li Tie in other Far East destinations.

The club's marketing director, Phil Frankly, told The Rockall Times: "We've reached saturation point on Merseyside. The market's all sewn-up: everyone around here already either supports Liverpool or Everton and there's no room for expansion. With Wayne being a local, there was no real point in keeping him on. We'll be targeting our future efforts on the Indian subcontinent."

A club jobsworth told us: "The thing is, if Wayne's thighs and arse had continued to grow at the same rate as the last six months, he wouldn't have been able to get in and out of the changing room. I know we're called the Toffees but that's a nickname not a diet plan."

As for Rooney's future, a film role with Vinnie Jones has been mooted though he may return to his previous job as a bouncer in the city centre. He has however already signed up for the next series of ex-Celebrity Fit Club alongside an assortment of other human detritus.

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