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Serie A matches abandoned in response to fans' demands

Italian football league authorities have bowed to pressure from supporters and told Serie A they need not play any matches from next season.

All players and coaches will continue to be employed and paid but only sackings, appointments, transfers, transfer speculation, transfer rumours, gossip about training ground bust-ups, and news about nightclub altercations will be allowed.

"For years the level of interest in the stuff around the game has far surpassed that of the games themselves," said Rigolleto Bonana at Calamari University's Calcio section, "and this just regularises what's been happening. Italians want to read about football certainly but they don't want to watch it. Far too boring."

Many of the tifosi we spoke to in Milan, Turin and Rome said they had never even attended a game, with a significant proportion expressing surprise any still took place. "It's so twentieth-century sweety," said Donatella Versace sporting the Inter ultra scarf and her trademark allergic-reaction face, "and you won't catch me in the stands at the San Siro. But give me a seat in a cafe, a copy of the Gazetta dello Sport and a double espresso and I'm in heaven."

A lot of the top stars based in Italy are thought to agree with the change pointing out that the new regulations will reduce the number of injuries they suffer while allowing them to focus even more on their commercial activities.

"It's what the supporters want," said Penne Fussili from the Italian Football Federation, "and anyway actually staging games costs us a fortune. We have to pay for the stadium, police to attend, medical staff and God only knows what else — the list is endless."

Italian referees have also welcomed the news. "With no games to supervise, my members will not continue to face abuse for making the wrong decision," said the head of their association while making it clear that backhanders would still have to be paid as usual. Top ref Pierluigi Collina is expected to have more time to concentrate on his advertising work though he may still take on the occasional game abroad for old times' sake.

Although there has been some concern expressed nationally that the ending of games in the domestic league will adversely affect the performance of the national Azzurri, Fussili has promised that this will not happen. "We in the Federation will be concentrating all our efforts on what we've traditionally been good at in Italy: bribing the match officials and fixing the games. This way we believe that Italy can still go on and win the World Cup."

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