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Boffins close to discovering ultimate excuse

Boffins at the University of Oxford revealed this week that they are on the verge of perfecting the world's best ever excuse.

The team received a recent boost with the arrival of several scientists from Exon, who were thought to be close to a ground-breaking excuse when the company collapsed. The scientists were granted British work permits in a hush-hush deal brokered personally by President Blair. Mr Blair is said to have taken a person interest in the technology.

Head of the team, Dr Fredrick Walker, explained to The Rockall Times the aim behind the project: "What we are trying to do is create a super excuse that will explain anyway any problem. By starting at the very simplest and basic excuse like 'the dog ate my homework' and working through to the hugely complicated excuses such as those used by Bill Clinton during the whole pants down, cigar out episode, we have to learn what makes a good excuse and distill them down to create one über excuse."

The project has not been plain sailing however — the team ran out of funding earlier in the year when a major excuse they had been using to gain research grants suddenly failed. The team was also hit at a personal level when several marriages broke up thanks to some taking their work home with them and using inappropriate excuses to get out of the cleaning, taking the dog out for a walk and explaining why they smelt of cigarettes and women's perfume.

There have, however, been advantages to working on the project. Dr Walker pointed out that none of his team have been convicted of speeding in the last five years: due, he claims, to one of the spin-off excuses from the project.

With the Ultimate Excuse having already undergone a successful trial at a secret underground location, Dr Walker's team is ready to give it its first public outing. Possible targets include justification for an invasion of Iraq or explaining away the continuing fall in school standards.

While the initial uses of the excuse will be for major military and political applications, it is hoped that scaled down domestic versions will eventually be made available commercially for days off work and missed anniversaries.

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