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Vatican most dangerous spot in world

The world's smallest country — the Vatican — has the highest crime rate in the world, according to new figures.

With a population at just over 500 but with millions of visitors, most of them tourists, the Vatican suffers from a huge crime problem.

Civil offences, most of them pickpocketing, run at 87 per cent and criminal offences are a staggering 133 per cent. However, despite the explanable leap in rates, the Pope has made it clear he blames foreigners and in particular asylum seekers.

"It's these fuc*king tourists," the Holy Father said in Romanian, before adding in Punjabi, "they come here stinking out the place, stealing and fighting. Have they got no fuc*king respect? It wasn't like this when the Nazis were in charge."

However, while His Royal Pontifficateness is correct about the level of minor crime, he is wrong about the overall figures as the 1940s in fact saw the highest ever levels of crime in the Holy See.

While computer crime was unheard of at that time, it was at least comparable to receiving stolen goods and gold — something that peaked in the 40s. The handing over of information on local Jews in order to buy favours from the regime was also at its highest during that time but has since slumped now that no country has an official policy of collaboration.

Incidences of arms deals done through the Vatican have also fallen in the past 30 years as American companies have undercut the Italians, although the Pope's house can still boast a level of corruption to rival any third-world dictatorship.

Incidences of child abuse have remained pretty much constant over the 60 years.

The Pope is not happy however. By dribbling in Morse Code onto a resplendent dish featuring Her Mary Mother's Holy likeness, John Paul Two exclaimed: "Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Compulsory ID cards for everyone. A five-year penalty for anyone in possession of a firearm and get me some new Daz Ultra for God's sake."

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