Rockall Classified ads 20.01.03

Wanted

• Temporary storage facility needed at short notice for steel cylinders and heavily shielded plastic barrels. Discretion appreciated. Write to: S.Hussain, Baghdad.
• Partner required to revive seventies comedy duo. Ability to take on Michael Parkinson a distinct advantage. Must be good with ladders. Email: emu@fadedstars.com
• Leader required for fairly large British political party. Must be multi-skilled. Dorsal vision and cranial hair a must. Email recruitment@toryhq.com
• Good solicitor required. Motoring offences experience desirable. Must be able to wheedle. Write to H.Harman c/o Solicitors General Office.

For sale

• Nationwide rail network. Needs repair. Suit struggling third world country. Trains available separately. Email: Adarling@gov.uk
• Dot com business. Good market presence, 12 confident staff, some nice furniture. Valued at £20 million but will accept £500 ono. Email: gonetitsup@webventures.com
• Large quantity of luxury cars. Slight corrosion a possibility. Currently in transit from France to UK. Buyer collects. Write to: Captain, lifeboat three, SS Tricolour.
• Large cache of Browning handguns for sale. Impending heavy handed legislation forces sale. Suitable for gaining nuff rispek. Excellent for controlling stable of bitches. Put the word out, I'll make contact.

Lost and found

• Missing socialist principles sought. Last seen in 1980s. Of little practical use but hold strong sentimental value. Write to: Cuddles Prescott c/o HM Gov, London
• Large cache of Browning hand guns lost. Loss occurred in or around Sandhurst Army Barracks. High-ranking commission offered as reward. Email: SecurityCockups@thearmy.com