I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Dear Dierdre: I've been branded a paedo sex beast!

DEAR DIERDRE: Let's get one straight right from the start: I'm a serious artist who only logged on to paedophile websites to do serious research for a book I'm writing on the subject. Naturally, I paid to access these depraved locations using my credit card, and that's where the trouble started.

I've been arrested, questioned and my computer has been taken away for analysis. Do you think this will affect my musical and literary career? Pete, London

DIERDRE SAYS: I must say that I'm horrified by the way the authorities have treated you. It has come to a sorry pass when in a democracy legitimate artists cannot access the research material they need.

I think it's safe to say that were Milton, Shakespeare and Donne alive today they would not be producing the great works of literature for which they are rightly celebrated, but rather suffering a good slapping from paedo-busting police thugs.

I'm sending you my leaflet How to research illegal subjects on the web: A rock guitarist's guide to erasing Internet Explorer history files, and other top tips. I think it may be some use to you in the completion of your book. Good luck.

DEAR DIERDRE: Let's get one straight right from the start: I'm a serious artist who only collected pictures of small children to do serious research for a panto role I have been offered. Naturally, I kept them strewn around my house where they could be a continual inspiration to me as I prepare to entertain thousands of wide-eyed youngsters.

Sadly, the police don't see it that way. I've been arrested, questioned and the entire contents of my flat have been taken away for analysis — including my copy of Mary Poppins. Do you think this will affect my television career? Matthew, London

DIERDRE SAYS: I must say that I'm horrified by the way the authorities have treated you. It has come to a sorry pass when in a democracy, highly talented performers cannot show a perfectly innocent interest in children.

I think it's safe to say that were Gary Glitter recording today he would not be producing the great works of Glam Rock for which he is rightly celebrated, but rather suffering a good slapping from paedo-busting police thugs.

I'm sending you my leaflet Not Game for a Laugh: Why the authorities take a dim view of TV presenters collecting photographs of small children. I think it may help you avoid future prosecution. Good luck.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page