New fat theory wobbles world of obesity

Scientists working at the last university which is not sponsored by a multi-national food group or supermarket chain have come up with some heretical suggestions as to the growing incidence of obesity in the West.

"It would appear," said a nervous looking chap who knows he's going to be fired at any moment, "that there is a substantial link between eating lots of food and putting on weight. Clearly more research is needed before we can say this with a 100 per cent certainty but preliminary research indicates that there is a definite link between taking in more calories than you're burning up and ending up a lard-arsed wobble-mountain."

He continued to explain for some time but we'd already heard enough to know that the whole fat paradigm was about to shift off the sofa and onto the rowing machine.

Indeed, the new theory threatens to usurp the commonly-held belief that fat people have inherited the condition from their parents, or that they are "big-boned" and therefore in no way responsible for their excessive girth. Recent studies have shown that the condition can be partially reversed by buying regular quantities of branded drugs from your local pharmacy.

Unsurprisingly, the findings have caused outrage among those promoting a healthier lifestyle. A spokesathlete for the food company that produces "Utterly Fatterly" told The Rockall Times: "These comments are most unhelpful. Convincing people that they have control over their own weight can only lead to dangerous fad diets, such as the old 'five portions of fruit and vegetables per day' chestnut. I fear for people's health and for the UK processed food industry."

His counterpart at Tesco-Asda-Sainsbury's went further, suggesting that: "Fat parents have fat kids. That's a fact, and the correct diet for those who are genetically predisposed to obesity is oven chips, microwave mini pizzas in the shape of Disney characters and lots and lots of Sunny D. These foodstuffs fulfil all their dietary needs and have plenty of vitamins and calcium which mums know are so important in the proper development of growing bones."

The government agrees, and has rejected the new research as "scaremongering". Deputy prime minister John Prescott angrily lunged at a voter yesterday who suggested that his impressive bulk was due to an over-active interest in pies. "Me fatha were fat and that's why I'm fat," shouted Prescott, pausing only to punch the hapless man in the face and take bites from an enormous doner kebab.