How to get away with murder

Lord Chief Justice "Big Bad" Woolf has proposed radical changes to the legal system so that any killer not actually caught in the act of murdering someone will be spared a custodial sentence. First-time offenders will be given a slap on the wrist, made to say they're sorry and that they promise not to do it again.

Indeed, unless killers are apprehended literally red handed, the Crown Prosecution Service will recommend a charge of "circumstantial homicide" which carries a maximum penalty of 20 hours community service and a £10 fine.

The new legislation follows equally radical proposals whereby custodial sentences are reserved for particularly heinous crimes such as shooting intruders in your own house and driving at 32mph in a 30mph zone. Woolf believes that society now considers lesser crimes such as burglary, rape and murder "commonplace" and that it would be better served if offenders were to conduct their own rehabilitation in a safe and comfortable environment — ideally their own homes, or, in the case or burglars, in other peoples' homes provided they were out at the time.

Further suggestions that burglars be trained in self-defence and provided with Kevlar body armour to protect them from irate residents during their rehabilitation are being carefully considered by Woolf and his team of top-class intellects.