I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Rock star found logged on to bestiality website while having sex with goat was 'just doing research' police told

The world-renowned rock star who was this week arrested at his home while apparently logged onto a Russian bestiality website and simultaneously engaging in sexual intercourse with a goat tethered under his desk has told police that he was "doing research" for a book, we can reveal.

The man — who is believed to play guitar for money when not fiddling with farmyard animals — is reported to have told horrified officers at the scene that he had been "interested" in animals since he was a small child. Forensic scientists removed the man's computer and several books, including The Wonderful World of Animals and Birds of the British Isles.

Heavily-armed police units raided the star's luxury home counties abode after computer records revealed that he had been using his credit card to log on to hard-core animal websites from where he downloaded more than 1,000,000 images of animals as young as six months being subjected to horrific sexual abuse and torture. He also purchased an abnormally large number of chickens — "far in excess of the average musician's needs," as one expert put it — from a local "breeder".

"I can confirm that a man has been questioned in relation to an ongoing investigation into the currently popular theory that every celebrity in the British Isles is either a paedophile, rapist or sheep-shagger," confirmed one ashen-faced officer. "To date, we have little evidence to disprove the hypothesis."

Indeed, the recent tsunami of high-profile media arrests has led to fears that there will soon be no-one left in the UK at liberty to knock out a tune or present children's television. "The ink's no sooner dried on the contract than we find out that they've been touching up pre-pubescent Cuban girls or raping weathergirls," stammered one fearful TV executive. "At this rate, Carol Vorderman will be the only presenter not behind bars in five years time — assuming, that is, she's able to beat the charge that she oversaw the execution of 2,000 Bosnian Muslims who disappeared during the filming of a 1996 Balkan Better Homes special."

Meanwhile, the arrested man's agent last night hit back at the allegations, noting: "It's perfectly reasonable that my client should want to gain first-hand experience of bestiality for his literary project. After all, you don't write a travel guide to Brazil without going there, do you, eh? I rest my case."

Vets described the goat abused as part of the star's research as "shocked but sufficiently recovered to make a statement to the tabloids". She is being comforted by relatives and Rolf Harris.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page