I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Schroeder gags wife over 'not getting any' slur

German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder today took a gagging order out on his wife after she threatened to reveal details of their sex life — namely that there wasn't one.

Unfortunately, we can't tell you that because we have just been served with a court order banning us from reporting the fact that they have slept in different beds for several years.

Oh christ. Apparently we are now on a last warning from Schroeder's lawyers and if we dare mention the fact that he's been poking a female TV presenter to relieve his filthy lusts then...

[We're sorry, we have been dragged offline by four heavily armed German soldiers. We will bring you more of this story as soon as we are able.]

It's okay, just before Schroeder's stormtroopers took us away for a beating and some extravagant hair dyeing, a phone call from the editor of the Mail on Sunday revealed to us that Schroeder's German court order has no power over us on Rockall.

And so it is to Doris Schroeder-Kopf's revelations. As the fourth wife of the rags-to-riches politician, Doris has been close to the great man for years. Incredibly though, over those years Gerhard has fuc*ked German voters more times than he's ever hidden the German sausage in his spouse.

At 19 years his junior, the former journalist reveals how she was attracted to the powerful man and how he flirted while spitting tax figures at her. The modest and bashful leader then took her to bed where, after signing a non-disclosure contract, she was to benefit from his swollen member for over 90 seconds...

Hang on. Doris has been in touch to say she can't tell us any more because the court order still applies to her. "I am having a gagging order on me," she told us. "So I cannot talk of that little slut on TV. The thing is, all I want is some action. I am a woman and I have needs. I want my little thumper to give me a good seeing-to but it is all this tax reform here, that tax reform there. Gagging order? Oh, how I long to gag on his brockwurst. Or even if he put a gag on me and then tied me to the bed, oh god, oh god, talk dirty to me you naughty journalist…"

We have made our dossier available to the German authorities.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page