Rockall Classified Ads 27.01.03

Lost and found: Reason for war

by Flash Gorman

Trade union urgently needs to locate public support. Believed to have been lost sometime between Christmas and New Year. Please email andy.gilchrist@fbu.org.uk.

Large western super power seeks justification for war. All evidence gratefully received, fabricated or otherwise. Also require experienced sabre rattler. Email: wereready@usarmy.org
Newborn baby requires backing for Everest ascent and trans-atlantic rowing trip. Sponsorship opportunities available. Email Jping@bandwagon.co.uk
World-famous music group seeks singer. Extremely high voice and fashion-resistant hair a must. Unshakeable belief in own importance recommended. Write to R.Gibb c/o Universal Records

Luxury Bristol flat for sale. Would suit impoverished rich student. Comes with spin dryer and press complaints commission. Ring 0800 786 323 and ask for Tony.
Buyer sought for fishing fleet. Suit large boating lake or similar. Slow speed of cod procreation forces sale. Write to The Ministry for UK Fishing and Fuc*kery, Brussels.

Opportunity for senior nuclear power station engineer in North Korea. Must have extensive missile-building experience. Timewasters and CIA spies will be shot. We'll be in touch.
Zimbabwean government requires communications specialist for three-month contract starting February. Will be expected to execute smooth running of World Cup cricket matches and photo opportunities for president. A proven ability to provide good news while glossing over starving millions essential. Applicants from IMF particularly welcome. Call your local Zimbabwean embassy for an application form.

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