French pull off diplomacy blinder

The Western world can tonight sleep sounder in its bed after France's president Chirac concluded a blitzkrieg of international diplomacy by securing lasting peace in war-torn Ivory Coast.

The coup follows the announcement that the French are close to resolving the ongoing Zimbabwe crisis by inviting Robert Mugabe to a summit of African leaders in Paris on 19 February.

And it is quickly becoming clear that the US and UK will not launch an attack on Iraq if the French and Germans persist in opposing such action.

The Ivory Coast deal allows president President Gbagbo to remain in power as long as he cedes some power to opposition rebels by forming an interim coalition government. He is also expected to call fresh elections as soon as is practical.

This will bring to an end 2,000 years of bloody civil war during which 99 per cent of the population has been killed with machetes and the GNP of the country reduced to just £11.31.

"Well, I was up for fighting on," a visibly-chuffed Gbagbo told a correspondent from The Rockall Times' West African Genocidal Civil War Bureau. "But president Chirac was most insistent."

Indeed, sources close to the French supremo report that it took the Gallic prestidigitator a mere ten minutes to resolve the various factions' differences. "Anyone who dared disagree got a really menacing display of quivering French bottom lip," shrugged a former rebel leader while resignedly tucking into a light brunch of stuffed songbirds, bread and calvados.

Peace does, however, come at a price. "Mais oui," sighed Gbagbo as he pulled on a stripy jumper and string of onions before mounting a bicycle. "The treaty allows France to conduct underground nuclear tests in our territorial waters. And we have to sink any Greenpeace ships who attempt to interfere. C'est la guerre, mon brave!"

Chirac is expected to resolve Zimbabwe's political turmoil in an equally efficient fashion when Robert Mugabe attends the 19 February summit of African leaders in Paris. French Foreign Ministry spokesman Francois Rivasseau told us that Mugabe attendance's would "help promote justice, human rights and democracy in his country".

Rivasseau said he understood Britain's "emotion and indignation" over the visit, but insisted that he did not want to repeat the "mistakes of the past", including the ill-advised British hostility to Hitler in 1939 which ultimately led to the Fuhrer inviting himself to Paris accompanied by several Panzer divisions.

President Mugabe is, unsurprisingly, delighted at the invitation. "I thought I was banned from entering the European Union," he glowed while nibbling on a butter croissant to the sound of Edith Piaf on the stereo. "Vive la France!"

Finally, to cap what has been a diplomatic white-knuckle rollercoaster ride of a week for our French cousins, they effectively put paid to US plans to attack Iraq by joining the Germans in condemning any armed aggression against Saddam Hussein. "The game's up," conceded US secretary of state Colin Powell. "When two nations with such a formidable track record of pacifism and brotherly love throw their doves into the ring, you know it's time to put the bayonet back in its sheath."

The US is expected to respond to French and German demands by immediately withdrawing all its troops from the Middle East and apologising unreservedly to both nations before French farmers have an excuse to blockade Channel ports.