Safeway launches Iraq takeover bid

In an unexpected announcement this morning, troubled supermarket Safeway announced a takeover bid for Iraq.

In a deal thought to be worth £900 billion, the food retailer plans to fund a private army to liberate the oilfields of Iraq and open up new markets for frozen goods. The oil alone is thought to be worth the investment.

Financial and defence analysts were astounded at this announcement. Former advisers to Safeway, CSFB, said that while poison-pills such as heavy debt were often used to deter hostile takeovers, invading other countries was "not even on the radar". The news comes as Safeway itself is under attack from several larger UK store groups, including Morrisons, Sainsbury's and U2.

A spokesman for the Institute of Defence Studies has doubted if Safeways had the necessary flour-power to take on Iraq's defences. But one analyst told The Rockall Times that the UK corporate sector has a long history of privateering. "It's no different from the East India Company invading the Indian sub-continent," he said. "This move would open up new markets for Safeways in a huge growth sector of the world and allow it to compete against Tesco's petrol prices in the UK."

The announcement doubled Safeway's share price in early trading this morning, leaving it beyond the reach of hostile bids. Later today, US Secretary of State Donald Rumsfield is expected to confirm that he owns two million shares in Safeway.