Tory party fights for right to die

The Tory party goes to the High Court tomorrow as part of its ongoing legal battle to seek a dignified exit. The embattled political organisation has been gravely ill for some time and has entered what many believe is a terminal decline.

The campaign for extinction is being lead by Tory shadow cabinet member, Bernard Jenkin. Few people will have heard of Mr Jenkin, despite him being the shadow secretary of state for defence — a fact which he believes illustrates his point.

"It's over," said a despondent Mr Jenkins. "We couldn't beat a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. All we ask is that we be allowed to put ourselves out of our misery. We wish to be spared the indignity of being beaten in local elections by an independent candidate dressed as a carrot, or worse-still the SDLP."

Such emotive pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears, however, as a Labour government is unlikely to condone the suicide of any British political party. Prime master Blair pointed out that the Labour party itself was in a seemingly endless decline during the 1980s, yet managed to recover, with the help of an complete party policy transplant operation.

Critics have suggested however the prime master's brave comments may have more to do with keeping the official opposition on life-support while he continues to introduce more intriguing policy decisions.

Ultimately the High Court will decide on the Tory's right to euthanasia. One judge told us he was concerned such a decision would open the floodgates for hundreds of other organisations including the Steps Fan Club and the Michael Barrymore Swim club.

If the case is unsuccessful, the Tory party may consider moving to a country where political suicide is tolerated or even encouraged. Iraq is a leading proponent in this area.