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FBI seeks clues to shuttle disaster

CRASH! Pages 2,3,4,5 BANG! Pages 6,7,9 WALLOP! Pages 10,11,12

As billions of people mourn the loss of the seven astronauts on the space shuttle Columbia, the FBI has already opened an investigation into the disaster.

In particular, they would like to talk to deceased Spanish painter Joan Miró, who they believe may have important information regarding the explosion.

"We have reason to believe Mr Myrow may have had forementioned knowledge of the events of the date of the first of February," said a typically eloquent government spokesman. "We are not able to discuss matters further at this date although we have not ruled out a possible link to al-Qaeda or Saddam Hussein, whichever number the dice comes down on. It's a three. Al-Qaeda."

Meanwhile, President Dubya returned immediately to his nuclear bunker where he promised the American people in his weekly war address: "Let me just say this: we have lost a great tragedy here yesterday. But I believe in this great nation and I will not let this go unpunished. That is why I have informed the Joint Chiefs of Shell that we must prepare to oust the evil regime of Iraq. Only then can we ensure that such a tragedy will not happen again in our lifetime."

Back in Spain, Miró is thought to be in hiding in a hole in the ground to avoid possible US strikes. The painter, who allowed the realm of the memory and imaginative fantasy to take priority in his work, was not known in his lifetime to be a member of any terrorist group but recent evidence unearthed by a museum curator has put this under question.

Crash expert Jeff Jefferson has ruled out terrorism or possible hiding of weapons of mass destruction as a cause of the disaster however. "It was an explosion that tore the shuttle apart, I am convinced of it," he told The Rockall Times. "But a bomb or obstruction of weapons inspectors thousands of miles away are unlikely to have been contributory factors."

Instead, Mr Jefferson suggests, it may have been the fact that the shuttle was going at 12,000 miles per hour. "If you hit a pigeon at that speed, you'd be lucky to survive, even in a space shuttle. Plus of course the shuttle wasn't safe in the first place what with bits of insulation dropping off the fuel tanks."

Despite the glaring obviousness of this statement, we feel the need to tell you that none of the astronauts survived but that they would have died instantly. Something to do with an explosion.

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