Iraqi child mortality rates probably due to Cot Death Syndrome

Aid workers complaining to the British and American governments about the many deaths of Iraqi children have been told that Cot Death Syndrome (CDS) is likely to be responsible.

"We in Britain failed to understand the CDS phenomenon for several years," Prime master Tony Blair told an awe-struck crowd, "and in many cases those who proposed the idea were mocked. I hope you'll not do the same to me when I say CDS could be happening in Iraq right now on a hitherto unimaginable scale." He went onto to list a whole series of safety targets that will be monitored by International Development minister Clare Short who will wear the figures on her sleeve alongside her heart.

With stories in the press claiming that cot deaths can be caused by the type of bed used, or the way children sleep, or even what food they eat shortly before they are put to bed, public interest is high.

"You see all these stories in the papers about cot deaths and it looks rilly quite scary," said the prime master. "Why has no one in Iraq wondered if this caused these tragic deaths? Does Saddam have a hidden agenda? I've never heard CDS mentioned even once by these do-gooding aid workers."

An expert alongside Blair added: "How you put your baby down to sleep can be crucial. Whether it's on its back or its side is quite important. But what's most critical is whether or not he or she is lain down in a bed that's within range of an allied cluster bomb. If so then there is every chance of death for the child in the cot."

Blair concluded by reporting that ongoing sanctions had resulted in one positive effect on Iraqi children: morbid child obesity is now down to 0 per cent among the country's under-12s.