Rockall Classified ads 03.02.03

For Sale

• Proportional Representation, unexpectedly back on the market. Never been used. Looks good on paper. Email: lostcauses@libdem.org

Wanted

• Policy U-turn sought by government asylum advisors. Most be acceptable to the Sun newspaper editorial department. Plausibility desirable but not essential. Email: weathervane@government.policy.org

Lost and Found

• Greek government seeks missing marbles. Believed to have been hacked from the Parthenon in Athens in 1811. May have led to Athens traffic-calming policy. Large feta salad offered as reward. Email: antiquities@greek.org.uk
• Several million, billion pounds lost by British Stock market sometime in past week. Not in coat pockets or down back of the sofa. Valuable Marconi stocks offered as reward. Write to: The London Stock Exchange, London.

Positions Vacant

• Large British underground rail network seeks experienced mechanic. Must be able to screw bolts really tight. Own spanners essential. Email: vacancies@tube.co.uk
• Olympic bid organiser required for London. Suit hopeless optimistic who is completely unaware of transport infrastructure shortcomings. Successful applicant will be given huge budget to fritter away. Write to: White Elephant Department c/o The Dome.