Metropolitan police slap cuffs on white macho culture

Top pop cop Johnny Stevens has set out his vision of a Metropolitan Police unburdened by old-style practices and prejudices that may be holding back the force from moving swiftly forward into the last millennium.

Speaking while standing by the "New Scotland Yard" triangular abstraction that goes round and round in front of the building for no good reason, Stevens was firm but fair about the path-breaking initiative. "It's time to give the old heave-ho to the attitude of male police officers who seem to think that the only way to behave involves physical force, aggression and verbal intimidation," he said. "That's all in the past and not the way we want to move forward."

And he made it clear that those within the police force who attempt to thwart the move to a more "sensitive" approach will not be allowed to do so. Thumping a nearby brick wall with his meaty bare fist for emphasis, the powerfully built Stevens made his intentions clear: "Any fuc*ker fuc*ks with me, I'll fuc*king kill the fuc*ker."

Commissioner Stevens then went onto to demonstrate the kind of touchy-feely attitude he personally was looking for with a trainee WPC from Hendon Police College currently on secondment in his office.

Stevens' initiative is not, however, without its opponents, Lester Haines reports. "Fag guv?" asked one tooled-up Sweeney member while drinking whisky in the back of a brown Ford Granada parked outside a lock-up in Shepherd's Bush. "Shut it George," replied his colleague before both men leapt from the vehicle to violently tackle three men in balaclavas bearing shooters.

Moments later the trio of armed blaggers found themselves pinned across car bonnets and facing a lengthy term of incarceration. "You're a bastard Jack Regan," snarled one. "Yeah, well you're fuc*kin' nicked, sunshine," came the swift reply.