Rail authority promises huge increase in north-south rail link stories

The head of the organisation responsible for irritating rail travellers has vowed to try to take people's minds off the state of Britain's railways by commissioning more stories about a dedicated north-south high-speed train line.

Announcing the news to a packed South West Trains second class carriage, the Strategic Rail Authority's Dickie Bowker boomed: "This is good news for Britain and all those who want to hear some better news about the future rail network in this country."

After ordering a £1.99 ersatz coffee from the on-board service trolley with wonky wheels he went on to add: "It holds out the possibility of ordinary people being able to read loads of articles about travel at high speed, without anything having to be done by anyone to make it a reality, least of all the SRA."

Initially, stories will feature only a section of line running from London to Edinburgh. Later, technicians will start work on increasingly implausible features describing an integrated, high-speed network connecting all of Britain's larger cities.

Experts from France and Japan will then be invited to describe the benefits that Britain could experience should it ever be taken seriously and there will be long articles in the press and perhaps Panorama-type features on TV. The work could take years to complete.

But Bowker stressed that no one need worry about the potential cost: "These lines will never be built. It's just something to read about while you're waiting for your train," he assured the assembled commuters.