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  Monday 10th February 2003  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Liverpool voted coolest city on planet

Planet Tatler, that is
by Brookie

News that Tatler magazine has chosen Liverpool as the "coolest city on the planet" has sparked a furious hunt by competitors to prove they are even more out of touch with reality.

Meanwhile, a crack squad of "follow-up" journalists have been scouring the archives for the prodigious array of talent that has emerged from Scouseland.

Our man on the spot, Brookie, has rushed back down to London with this filler material on famous residents of Liver-cool and those inspired by the great city:

The Beatles: MusiciansThe Beatles: It was the emergence of the Fab Four that began the star-spangled trajectory that has ended with Tatler's award. From their early appearances at the Reeperbahn in grimy Toxteth to their later recordings at Abbey Road in leafy Bootle, the Beatles remained faithful to their roots. Once asked if he had ever considered leaving Liverpool, Paul McCartney just laughed.


Stan Boardman: Lovely racistStan Boardman: The jovial comedian has come to epitomise all that was good about the city. His uncanny ability to carry a 30-year career on a few ropey gags and defiant xenophobia has been a true inspiration to dozens worldwide. His unabashed racism inspired an entire generation of bigoted scallies.


Harry Enfield: TrainerHarry Enfield: Harry's sensitive portrayal of ordinary Liverpudlians still resonates with visitors to the city. The police are known to use the "comedian's" videos as training guides to Scouse behaviour.


Ken Dodd: Tax masterKen Dodd: A role model to Liverpudlians on how to handle their tax affairs, a guide which many traders are still thought to swear by. His introduction of the feather duster into modern comedy was a defining moment of the 1980s.


Derek Hatton: Sound as a poundDegsy Hatton: A loveable rogue whose attempt to keep Neil Kinnock on the socialist straight and narrow endeared him to the populace and cemented the city's image in the eyes of the watching nation. Famed for his innovative approach to local politics.


Ricky Tomlinson: ArseRicky Tomlinson: A model citizen and actor. Ricky retains his working-class, left-wing roots from his mansion in Wilmslow and single-handedly kept UK travel industry afloat by repeating a catchphrase from a TV show for personal financial gain.


Lisa Tarbuck: BigLisa Tarbuck: Daughter of near legendary golf player Jimmy, Liza is the nation's favourite slightly too fat woman. She has happily trekked up north over five times in the past decade to spread her particular brand of genial charm.


Bessie Braddock: DangerousBessie Braddock: Continuing the long lineage of British Battleaxes, Bessie's way of dress and outrageous partying behaviour set the city on its way as a fashion and fun centre. Only Magaret Thatcher has instilled the same levels of fear in male politicians.


Edwina Currie: Broke eggsEdwina Currie: Another female politician unafraid to show her tough side. Her uncompromising position on the issue of salmonella in eggs and making money from revealing she had shagged future prime minister John Major have won her plaudits from across the globe.


Wayne Rooney: DebonairWayne Rooney: The modern face of the city. With his permanent smile and sparkling wit, Everton superstar Wayne has done for the Merseyside what ex-team mate Paul Gascoigne did for Burnley. His ever-present basketball shorts are the latest must-have item for hordes of teen Scallies who appreciate the large amount of room for their Stanley knives.


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