Tabloid editors plan historic junk food symposium

Editors from Britain's leading tabloid newspapers are due to meet in an historic symposium to agree on how best to sensationalise the UK's eating habits.

Recent months have seen conflicting opinions, usually within the same newspaper, over whether teenage girls in their entirety are becoming obscenely obese due to the over-consumption of junk food or are starving themselves to within an inch of the life and the waistline of mentally ill pop stars and soap actresses.

"We have to decide what angle to peddle," said one hard-nosed hack, seen munching on a KFC bucket's-worth of mechanically recovered chicken pellets. "Are they too bloody fat or too bloody thin?"

"Our credibility is at stake here," said world-influencer Piers Morgan. "Millions of readers read my paper to find out what they need to think."

However, it will be difficult for the editors to agree on a way of tackling the unprecedented situation of tabloid newspapers presenting conflicting views from the same information.

As one executive pointed out to us, while the fat aspect enabled a paper the chance for fake sympathy and mockery of physically unattractive women, the opposite case provided an ideal opportunity to print pictures of celebrities in just their bra and pants.

"We may just have to accept that there is no one situation and that society is made up a wide spectrum of people needs and desires and problems," he suggested. "And then concentrate of the most extreme cases, reword it a bit to get the readers' interests and then find a way of making it out to be an everyday occurence. Stick a couple of sexy pics on it and Bob's yer uncle."