Rockall classified ads 17.02.03

Wanted: Islamic terrorist atrocity on mainland Britain

by Flash Gorman

Islamic terrorist atrocity on mainland Britain. Must cause enough outrage to justify war but non-nuclear. Please write, enclosing details of previous atrocities. Must include numbers dead and level of media coverage achieved. Write to The Home Office, Whitewash, London.
Photographer required for showbusiness wedding. Must be able to take snaps from camera concealed in sleeve and conceal rolls of film in own rectum. Suit drug smuggler or similar. Email: exclusives@hellomagazine.com
Top comedian requires new joke. Replacement sought for much-loved racist joke, which recently died of old age. Must involve funny walk and/or hand gesture. Email: Jdavidson@funnyman.com

"Saddam Uncut". Dramatic DVD of Tony Benn's interview with Saddam Hussein. Contains previously unseen footage of hard-line questioning. Includes debate on Rich Tea or Digestive. Send Cheque for £70,000 to Mr Benn Productions ltd.

Scottish Parliament. Has not been seen in papers for several months. May have gone on holiday but has not cancelled milk. Email: sp.media@scottish.parliament.uk

Large western superpower seeks subservient partner. Recent failed relationships but still believes a special country out there. WLTM offshore banana republic or similar. Email: Gbush@whitehouse.org

Government seeks experienced impressionist for propaganda tapes. Must be able to do the following voices: Mad Mullah, crazed scientist and indiscreet Iraq army officer. Also require photographer to take grainy photographs of non-descript buildings from extreme distance. Write to C Powell c/o US Warmonger and Oil Strategy Department

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