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ITV announces Gulf War II™ Celebrity Challenge

With Gulf War II™ just waiting for Dubya to find an invasion window in his diary, the first of the TV tie-ins was launched today. Snappily entitled I'm a Celebrity — Hold your fire! will feature a number of top TV stars in a covert mission behind enemy lines.

The plucky personalities will be dropped into Baghdad and face an entertaining series of challenges as they attempt to make their way back to the US front line. TV Bosses are keeping a tight lid on the exact nature of the challenges but minefields, sniper fire and torture by secret police are likely to feature quite heavily.

Viewers will be able to vote for airdrops of medicine supplies and weapons for their favourite stars and there will be a text message hot line where they can shop less popular entertainers to the Iraq regimes. Any contestants captured will be paraded through the streets of Baghdad before being forced to take tea with Saddam and Tony Benn.

Despite the slightly risky nature of the game show, there are a number of show business giants champing at the bit. Those already lined up include all round entertainer Bernie Clifton and comedian Ian Duncan-Smith. There is also almost certain to be a Hamilton (gender currently unspecified) and a half-forgotten singer.

Programme director Malcolm Rainsford has refuted accusations about the danger level of the programme. "Admittedly, the contestants appear to be desperate individuals trying to bump start a flagging career but they have been carefully chosen. Bernie, for instance, is taking his ostrich which will be ideal for high-speed desert reconnaissance work and Ian Duncan-Smith has an almost uncanny ability to blend into the background."

Despite these reassurances, tragedy has already hit the show. During training manoeuvres with the Army, top young comedian, Bernard Manning, was accidentally shot in the back 27 times whilst changing into his uniform. Mr Rainsford has pledged the show will go on. "It's what Bernard would have wanted and besides we've already paid Anton Dec," he sobbed.

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