Revealed: Why we must bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age

As the world staggers ever onwards towards the precipice of war with Iraq, we can exclusively reveal what your government is NOT telling you about Saddam Hussein's capacity for mass destruction.

We have discovered the truth behind those aerial surveillance photographs recently paraded by US hawks as a prelude to aggression. Chillingly, it appears that they had been doctored for fear that their true content might send millions of US citizens running like headless chickens to the nearest gas mask store.

It seems incredible that — at a time when the US and UK governments are struggling to rouse international enthusiasm for Gulf War II™ — the intelligence community has not already deployed these terrifying images.

Below are shown three of the doctored photographs as seen by the international media. Roll your mouse over for a look at the original, unexpurgated, truth. Click on any image for our own Rockall Times' intelligence experts' analysis.

Meanwhile, beleaguered Brit PM Tony Blair sought to clip the wings of the doves of peace with his own security revelations, writes Graham Inglis.

In response to last week's London Peace march — in which anywhere between 11 individuals and 46 million Brits, depending on the source — declared a resounding "no" to war with Iraq, Blair ordered the release of text and surveillance photographs at a Ministry of Defence press conference. The material is likely to silence any further dissent among Blair's subjects.

This shocking image, recorded by a spy satellite orbiting high above Iraq, clearly shows a desert meeting between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, during which the Iraqi leader is clearly seen warmly shaking bin Laden's hand. An MoD spokesman, who refused to be named and spoke from behind a wooden screen via a voice scrambler, told The Rockall Times: "Our photographic enhancement experts have highlighted the crucial elements of this damning picture, for overall clarity. I think this puts an end to any doubt that Hussein and bin Laden enjoy an intimate and friendly relationship and are plotting together to bring down Western democracy."

Another satellite image depicting a "secret nuclear fuel reprocessing plant" in the back garden of Saddam's 'Al Ayafah' palace (ostensibly a summer retreat for the Iraqi leader), caused quite a kerfuffle among the assembled press.

Suggestions by agitating journos from The Daily Mirror that the picture is nothing more than a rather poor photo of a car battery were immediately slammed by another intelligence operative. Speaking by means of coded hand signals from the back of a blacked-out van in Vauxhall, the anonymous spook declared: "This installation is just one small part of Saddam's nuclear weapons programme. It's obviously been designed to look like a giant car battery. This is part of the Iraqi strategy to deceive weapons' inspectors. We have further solid intelligence that they have a heavy water plant masquerading as a infant school and a particle accelerator hidden in Baghdad Central Hospital maternity department."

To back up his case, the operative then presented a decoded transcript of an apparently innocent pre-breakfast conversation between Saddam Hussein and Iraqi number two Tariq Aziz. He explained: "We have been reading top-level encrypted Iraqi traffic for quite some time. Obviously I cannot, for reasons of security, release anything which makes specific reference to terrorist activities, weapons programmes or al-Qaeda, but we are able to confirm that the Iraqi leadership continues to pursue the development of nuclear warheads."

MOST SECRET
06:13 GMT 15.02.03/
TELEPHONE INTERCEPT BAGHDAD-BAZRA/
CONVERSATION BETWEEN HUSSEIN-AZIZ/

BEGINS/

HUSSEIN: Tariq, did you stay in State Palace Number 43 last night?

AZIZ: Yes, your majestyness. What seems to be the problem?

HUSSEIN: Well, I really do wish you'd clean up after yourself. The bathroom is in a terrible state.

AZIZ: I humbly protest, your imperial Babylonity, that I cleaned the bath as requested.

HUSSEIN: Bollocks you son of a thousand trailer park whores. Where, then, is the Arm & Hammer toothpaste I especially requested?

AZIZ: Ah, yes, I put it in the cabinet so that the maid would not move it.

HUSSEIN: Very well. How's the wife, by the way?

AZIZ: Well, you know, she keeps going on about that new sofa I promised her. You know, the one I bought last year. I'm buggered if I can remember which palace I left it in.

HUSSEIN: If I see it on my travels I'll give you a shout.

AZIZ: Nice one.

ENDS/

This apparently innocent exchange hides a more sinister truth, as experts at GCHQ in Cheltenham quickly revealed. "Saddam talks constantly in code," said one cipher clerk wearing a John Prescott comedy mask and delivery his testimony via video link from a concrete bunker somewhere in the West of England. "Nothing he says can be taken at face value. This is what we believe the conversation actually means:

HUSSEIN: Tariq, did you stay in State Palace Number 43 last night?

AZIZ: Yes, your majestyness. What seems to be the problem?

HUSSEIN: Well, I really do wish you'd clean up after yourself. You've left evidence all over the place.

AZIZ: I humbly protest, your imperial Babylonity, that I dismantled the facility as requested.

HUSSEIN: Bollocks you son of a thousand trailer park whores. Where, then, is the enriched uranium we recently acquired from North Korea?

AZIZ: Ah, yes, I put it in State Palace Number 117 so that the weapons' inspectors would not find it.

HUSSEIN: Very well. How's Osama bin Laden by the way?

AZIZ: Well, you know, he keeps going on about that new long-range rocket I promised him. You know, the one we developed last year. I'm buggered if I can remember which palace I left it in.

HUSSEIN: If I see it on my travels I'll give you a shout.

AZIZ: Nice one.

Although this alone is sufficient justification for the UK and US to immediatley unleash a savage hail of fire and death upon the hapless citizens of Iraq, there was one more shock in store: further evidence, were it needed, that Saddam will stop at nothing to bring about the complete destruction of Western free-market capitalism.

"It appears to be a genetically-modified giant cat with super-feline capabilities," quaked one terrified scientist who would doubtless have been visibly shaken had he not been presenting evidence on this mutant killer from inside a lead-shielded cardboard box. "We estimate it's over seven feet tall, and probably weighs around one ton. I shudder to think what would happen were Saddam to release an army of these against Israel. Immediate military action is the only solution."

Earlier today, America welcomed the new revelations as "part of the overall picture of a man hell-bent on denying us petroleum products and access to the lucrative Middle East fast-food franchises." Tony Blair immediately ordered troops to surround a couple of airports and cordon off most of Central London "in response to the dual threats of terrorist attacks, possibly with giant cats", and the chilling prospect of further mass demonstrations against his government. "My conviction is unwavering," Tone intoned while opening the Young Tories' conference in Brighton. "We shall fight them on the beaches..."