Your cut-out-and-keep Wayne Rooney Factfile

The emergence of a young player so talented that Everton supporters reckon he's the best the club has produced since the late great Danny Cadamarteri, has led to a deluge of requests from around the globe for more information on the tubby tot terror.

Last week, Rooney became the youngest-ever player to turn out for England when Sven-Goran Eriksson picked the tenacious teen terror to face the awesome Aussies. Despite a disappointing result for the Three Lions, the Teoxeth tearaway continued to impress.

This week Google have reported that the words "Roon the Loon" — along with "free porn", "David Blunkett's new dog Milly", "penis enlargement", and "Saddam Hussein's palaces" — were in the top five phrases searched for by Internet surfers during the past month.

To help our readers better understand "le phenomene Rooney" (as they call it in Germany) The Rockall Times has produced a handy "cut-out-and-throw-away" guide. So what are they then, the most frequently asked questions about the world's newest greatest ever player?

—Cut out here—

Why is he so bloody big?

A doctor writes: Some adolescent boys mature much quicker physically than others. In Rooney's case, an obvious early burst of testosterone has allowed him to grow to the size of a bodybuilder while retaining the mental immaturity of a footballer.

Why can he not talk properly?

A doctor writes: Some adolescent boys mature much quicker physically than others. In Rooney's case, an obvious early burst of testosterone has allowed him to grow to the size of a bodybuilder while retaining the mental immaturity of a footballer.

Is he clinically obese?

A dietician writes: Technically no — though you wouldn't think so from looking at his legs would you now? However his thighs are two metres wider than should be the case for an average 17-year-old.

Why is he called Roonaldo?

A dentist writes: No idea — his teeth seem fine to me.

Is it true that on recent a visit to London he was chased out of an upmarket estate agent showroom by worried staff who thought he was a dangerous yob on the rob?

A policeman writes: Yes, he's from Liverpool though so what's the problem with them doing that then?

So how does stack up against such greats as Pele and Maradona?

A football coach writes: The comparisons are unfair. At the same age as Rooney neither Pele or Maradona had broken into the Everton first team. Nor did either of them ever win the coveted BBC "Young Sports Personality of the Year" award.

What is his favourite drink?

A Wayne Rooney fan club representative: Sunny D sports supplement booster drink.

What is the point of all this twaddle?

You tell us.

—Throw away here—