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  Monday 24th February 2003  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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US files extradition order for Chirac

French leader 'aiding and abetting terrorism'
by Kieren McCarthy

The US government has filed an international extradition order for French leader Jacques Chirac, accusing him of "aiding and abetting terrorism".

In the order, signed by president Dubya and his deputy Rupert Murdoch, Mr Chirac is revealed to be aiding the (wrong) terrorists by knowingly frustrating US attempts to tackle the problem by taking over oil fields and starving children of medical supplies.

"He is just about every bit as guilty as the people pressing the button," said professor in logic and defence secretary Ronald Dumsfeld. "If he stands in our way, we shall move him out the way in our bid to build an international consensus."

Mr Chirac has also been found guilty in a Washington DC court of betraying the past and the memories of thousands of US servicemen who died in the Second World War.

Judge John McCormack surmised in his judgement: "When France was taken over by the evil cancer of Nazism, when millions were transported to death camps and untold millions of others slaughtered in the wars brought on by a fanatical madman, the United States of America immediately stepped in after a couple of years and after Germany declared war on us.

"For those same men to now refuse to stand by our side as we take over a country which poses no threat to us, which may have weapons and which took over a small country over a decade ago is an affront to our servicemen's memories. And I'm a judge so that's all legal and everything."

Mr Chirac is only one of 14,000 people the US has sought to extradite in the past week, among them Sir David Attenborough, Jean-Michel Jarre, Boris Yeltsin and head of news for BBC Online, who knowingly put a story not about the US on the front page under the vital international news "US man twists ankle".

Meanwhile, Monsieur Chirac was unavailable for comment, although a spokesman told us: "Bof!" before shrugging his shoulders and nonchalantly strolling to the nearest tabac for an argument.

 Go on then, hard man