Classified ads 24.02.03

Camera with built-in phone, creative mastermind for hire

by Flash Gorman

Alternative venue for rock festival. 150,000 people minimum. Must have razor wire fence and at least one working toilet. Email: Michaeleavis@hippiesonthemake.com

Creative mastermind seeks work in advertising. Recent anti-tobacco legislation forces career move. Humour-level of retarded child with unsurpassed ability to literally interpret product names — see Lambert/Butler and Silk Cut campaigns for details. Non smoker. Email: repetitious@upinsmoke.com

Have 30,000 cars. Choice of colours. Bizarre transport experiment forces sale. Will swap for improved public transport infrastructure. Write to: London Motorists c/o K. Livingstone.
Camera with built-in phone. Have all your friends got phones that take pictures? Get ahead of the pack with a camera that make phone calls. Take a picture and then ring your friends to tell them about it. Email: useless-tat@technology-gonemad.com
Film rights to top Hollywood birth. Full pictorial rights from first contraction, plus interview afterwards with proud mother. Placenta available separately. Write to: M. Douglas c/o Douglas Media Opportunities.

Irritating bearded man seeks partner. Looks unimportant. No asylum seekers or single mums need apply. Email: d.blunkett@gov.org.uk

Lost: 1.5 million people. Last seen on anti-war march in Hyde Park. Organisers report two million entered the park but police assure just 500,000 leaving. Write to: George Rounding-Down, Whitewash, London.

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