Colmans sued over inadequate product labelling

World-famous sauce manufacturer Colmans is being sued for £4 million by a Yorkshire man who accuses it of inadequate product labelling.

Mr George Winston, from Oopnorth, claims that Colmans has breached his human rights by not providing enough information on a jar of horseradish that he had bought a couple of months ago. We sent a reporter to see Mr Winston, who gave his side of the story.

"Well, I'd had a busy week, so I got myself a big side of beef for Sunday. So I got out all the stuff, cooked it all up for Sunday lunch. I had the veg on the plate and cut a few slices of beef off and put them on the plate. Then I had a sudden thought and rooted about in the fridge and found this jar of horseradish.

"Anyway, I was just about to put some on the side of the plate when I thought I'd have a closer look at the label — and it's a good job I did." What Mr Winston had suddenly realised was that the jar made no mention of what food horesradish should be used with.

"I mean, I was pretty certain I'd had horseradish with beef before and loved it, you know. But once I saw that the jar didn't mention that it was perfect for beef, or perfect for anything in fact, I started to have doubts."

Perplexed by Colmans' failure to explain exactly what to do with its food, Mr Winston desperately sought out a recipe suggestion to rest his mind. "That's when I really lost it. There wasn't one! No recipe suggestion! Just a load of figures about what was in it. Well, I was furious — whoever heard of a jar of anything without a recipe suggestion on? What is wrong with these people?"

Mr Winston did the only thing he could. "Well, after a while, the food was getting cold and I still hadn't figured out what to do. So I picked the jar up, got in the car, drove to the battered wives' home and smashed it over my wife's head. If anyone knows what to do with it she will."

Mr Winston is keen to stress however that not all packaging maintains such poor standards. "Oh, I have to say fruit has come on in leaps and bounds," he told us. "Those signs saying 'Eat me' by the bananas with the guide on how to open them — that's proper customer service. The ones where they put individual pieces of fruit into plastic packaging is still the most efficient way of doing it however. Otherwise, how do you know you're really getting an orange?"

A spokesman for Colmans told us to stop bothering him or he'd call the police.