Canada gripped by cricket fever

Long-time cricket superpower Canada has whipped itself up into a frenzy over the ongoing World Cup, with its team boasting a record five per cent Canadian-born contingent.

Ace bowler John Michael Davison of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan claims he cannot walk the streets of any major Canadian city without people coming up and harassing him.

As he explained exclusively to The Rockall Times: "I think this is mainly due to the fact that I bear an uncanny resemblance to a notorious sex killer, but it may also be because I know how to bowl."

Unfortunately, access to Team Canada's games are quite limited in their home country. Internet broadcast pioneer Willow Inc is sadly not extending its reach to any of Canada's games. When asked why, Willow president James Stouffler told us: "No we don't have any of the Canadian games, they aren't here, why the heck would they be here, this is cricket not bleeding ice hockey, get out my office."

North America similarly falls short on pay-per-view games. Viewer's Choice president Jackie Steiger explained: "No we don't have any of the Canadian games, they aren't here, why the hell would they be here, this is cricket not goddamn hockey, get the hell out of my office."

So the hundreds — if not the ones of hundreds — of Canadian cricket fans have been relegated to downloading a Flash window that updates every couple of balls.

Noted 95-year-old Canadian cricket fan Simon Van Groot: "This downloading of the result ball by ball is very reminiscent of the glory days of Canadian cricket when we used the wireless-telegraph to give us a similar ball by ball update. God bless the dominion of Canada!"

Nothing can describe the jubilation which ran across this large and mostly cold land when Canada took to the pitch and defeated the feared Bangladesh team. Throngs of jubilant revellers took to the streets for several seconds before the weather drove them back indoors.

One local bartender was overwhelmed by the hysteria: "Yeah, we had like two or three guys come in and ask about the score for the cricket game and I told them I had no idea what they were talking about and to get the hell out of my bar."

The Bangladesh-Canada rivalry has a long and bitter history harking back to the infamous and little known Bengali/Canada war of 1909 in which both countries' navies sought each other for combat in the open seas but fail to find each and asked the Royal Navy for some help finding a way back home. Such memories and scars do not heal quickly.

However, heart-rendering rejoicing soon lead way to heart-breaking despondency as Canada fell to the Kenyans in their next match. A close game by any standard. Canada held on to their lead until the end of the 48th over when Kenya finally scored the 199th point to beat Canada. The streets were silent that afternoon because of the loss, or perhaps because everyone was still at work. We shall never know.

Next into bat, the wily Sri Lankans. The Canadian side were able to score a respectable 36 runs before they were wicketed after a marathon 18 overs. The nefarious Sri Lankans then clearly cheated, surpassing the score in less than five overs.

Canadian ace batter John Michael Davison of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan was beside himself with rage at the result: "I mean those guys were throwing that ball down about as hard as they could. I would let the ones I couldn't hit go by, like with baseball. But you only get one strike and you're out. And then when they were at bat they hit every single ball every time. Man, if we got 36 goals in a hockey game you can be damn sure we would have won, but here 36 is nothing. I hate this game."

The defeat is only a small snowdrift on the route to total victory for the Canucks, however. The next three games will be against West Indies, South Africa and New Zealand.

Canadians are confident, with a quick straw poll in downtown Toronto revealing that Canadian citizens shouldn't think they would be hard to beat.