Those reader human shield poll results in full

Bad news this week for Mockney kitchen wizard Jamie Oliver. Good news, on the other hand, for the good burghers of Baghdad. Yes, Rockall Times readers have unanimously voted young Jamie as the person they'd most like to see acting as human shield against imperialist aggression in far-flung Iraq.

This decision pretty well settles the matter, in our opinion. After all, who in their right mind would put a laser-guided munition down the throat of Britain's best-loved TV personality? God forbid that the world should be deprived of his inimitable and effortless blend of estuary English and culinary circus skills.

It must be said that while we applaud our readers' commitment to the cause of peace, there are arguably some much more worthy candidates who simply did not attract the voters attention.

Indeed, it seems incredible that German supremo Gerhard Schroeder polled a mere 19 votes. Given his countrymen's natural revulsion towards physical aggression, you'd think he'd be an ideal candidate to man the barricades. Ditto simpering Frenchie Jacques Chirac, although he's probably a bit too busy entertaining fellow dove Robert Mugabe to make the trip. Shame.

Of course, Blair and Bush came in a respectable 5th and 6th, respectively, but were pipped at the post by highly talented rock/pop trio Bono, Jacko and Britney. A good call — it's about time Bono put his body where is mouth is, as it were. Time too for Jacko to put his body somewhere where there is not a naked 12-year-old boy within arm's reach. As for Spears, time for her to put her body anywhere where there is a high possibility of death. Enough said.

Thanks to all our loyal readers who took the time to further the cause of international peace and harmony. Here are those poll results in full:

1. Jamie Oliver: 620 votes
2. Bono: 515
3. Michael Jackson: 515
4. Britney Spears: 444
5. Blair: 310
6. Dubya: 291
7. Gazza: 284
8. Martin Bashir: 214
9. Russell Crowe: 205
10. Rumsfeld: 109
11. Chirac: 76
12. Ken Livingstone: 35
13. The England cricket squad: 20
14. Schroeder: 19