Evening Standard lies, lies, all lies, reveals mayor

London mayor Ken Livingstone has complained to the Press Complaints Commission over coverage of his brilliant traffic congestion charge in the Evening Standard.

Philanthropist Ken accused the paper of printing untruths and told The Rockall Times: "Any reasonable person would have expected the Standard to explain what a marvellous thing this is. The fact they haven't is nothing less than a deception being played out on the voters."

The Mayor pointed out that the Standard's approach compares somewhat unfavourably with the "scrupulously fair" Londoner newspaper that has bravely backed his tax on wheels.

In what many have seen as a retaliatory gesture, the Standard yesterday ran with the headline "Ken uses congestion tax for experiments on orphans", revealing that the mayor hopes to revitalise Joseph Mengele's ground-breaking studies on young, parentless children before drizzling their remains in brandy and consuming them medium rare.

Meanwhile, Transport for London has revealed its plans for dealing with the extra 50,000 people a day expected to use public transport. From this weekend, there will two extra services on route 911 running between Tooting Shittake Common and Clapham Pesto Road, a spokesman revealed.