96 dead as Tory Party burns to the ground

Shell-shocked and tearful Conservatives gathered in their hundreds last week around the smouldering ruins of their party which burnt to the ground on Friday, killing at least 96.

The tragedy occurred during a packed performance by Michael "Great White Hope" Portillo. It is thought that his inflammatory prose swept through the party in a matter of minutes, provoking panic among modernisers who then perished in the stampede to exit the Tories as quickly as possible by the front door.

Among the confirmed victims is chief executive Mark MacGregor, last seen trying to guide choking colleagues through a door to the left of Mr Portillo. Chairman Theresa May did manage to escape, but is not expect to recover from her injuries.

Eyewitnesses have confirmed the terrifying speed at which the flames took hold. "If you were not out of that party in 30 seconds you didn't have a prayer," coughed one smoke-blackened member from the Home Counties. "People were screaming and shouting," sobbed another blue-rinse who witnessed the panic.

Meanwhile, the recriminations have already begun to fly as to the cause of the disaster. Owner Iain Duncan Smith denies that he gave Great White Hope permission to inflame the party faithful. Portillo backing vocalist John Redwood has countered with the claim that no such permission was required. Both statements are likely to be closely examined by the media until an interesting story about a cat stuck up a tree comes along.

When asked by The Rockall Times whether he thought that the party could be rebuilt, Duncan Smith was suprisingly chipper: "Oh yes, it's just a minor setback," he chortled. "After all, people have bounced back from worse, haven't they?" There then followed a long and awkward silence while both our reporter and Duncan Smith attempted in vain to recall such an incident.

We asked Mr Portillo for a comment but his office told us he was busy cooking an enormous paella.