Classified ads 03.03.03

Positions vacant

• Translator required for Bush/Saddam televised debate. Must be able to work patiently with someone who has a very weak grasp of English. A post for Saddam also available. Email: cpowell@us.gov
• Lifestyle guru required for wife of prominent politician. Advice required on clothes, feng shui and day-to-day running of largish European country. No timewasters or convicted con-men please. Write to Inadvisable Advisors, 10 Downing Street, London.

Positions Sought

• Large bearded man, recently cleared of kiddy fiddling seeks work in the entertainment industry. Would also welcome advice on effective self-promotion. Write to M Kelly c/o The campaign to resurrect the dead.

For Sale

• Mantle of leadership. Never been assumed. Poisoned chalice also available. Email: ids@tory.not.in.gov

Wanted

• Skiing partner sought for half-term break. Suit cabinet minister or person with spare time during national crisis. Must possess thick skin. Write to Geoff Hoon, c/o House of Commons.

Lost and Found

• Afghanistan seeks world interest. Basic infrastructure, medical facilities and democracy also missing. Still in possession of promissory note from UN. Email: attentionspan@UN.org